Omg heeeyyyy
I’ve missed writing on here. I have like 8 drafts I’ve written over the course of the past few months that I just never finished. Mainly because I’d get up to refill my water. Which disrupts my flow state! And by the time I get back, I’m like, “What was I talking about again?, *skims through what I just wrote 5 minutes ago when I felt deep fury and passion*, “Ohhhh oh yeah hm I don’t really care anymore. Idk what else to say about this. Byeee”, *exits out of the Ulysses writing app (not sponsored) and turns on the TV to open Youtube. Only to get called out by the algorithm when it suggests videos titled something along the lines of, “Your Perfectionism is Holding You Back”, and “How to Stop Mentally Escaping”* Wtf Youtube! Not right now okay? Do not do this to me right now! But I refilled my water before starting this, so the chances of me finishing this are high! Which is huge for me.
Because I’m really great at quitting things (and people) and moving on.
And quitting has been paired with suuuch a negative connotation. For example! When you’re a kid and you’re like, “Ooh basketball is fun. I love playing basketball at the local YMCA by myself. Because no one else will invite me to do much cooler things with them. Cooler things which consist of standing around at their very cool neighborhood hangout spot with the much cooler older kids.” So then you’re like, “Hm perhaps I will try out for the basketball team” even though you can only do granny throws because you are small and have not yet developed the upper body strength required to throw the ball the way you’re supposed to. But you try out anyway. And obviously don’t make the team. So you’re like “Oh…I am nothing. I’m not good enough for this and everyone else is sooo much better than me. Why can’t I be like them? What’s wrong with me? And why did I even try in the first place? That was so stupid. I am so stupid.” And then an adult spots you staring at their ground as you dissociate in front of the roster of names of people who were good enough and better than you. So they’re like, “Hey! Don’t give up! You did so well! Keep trying and maybe you’ll make the team next year!” But although you are 8 years old, you are not naive. So in your head, you’re like, “Ok woww you’re bad at lying…But regardless of what you said…Since I didn’t immediately excel at this, I’m no longer interested in it. Because now, I associate basketball with this very horrible feeling of rejection. So I can’t play it again without remembering how I feel right now and re-feeling it.” So you’re like, “Welp! Moving on! Time to find something else to try being good at!”
Because there is more out there.
And see, it was good that I quit. Not because I’d always suck at basketball and never make the team. (Let’s be honest ok, basketball just isn’t in the cards for me anatomically). It was better that I quit because it stopped being good for me. It stopped being fun.
Once I realize something isn’t for me, I accept that and move on. What’s next? I don’t know. But I know that I’m not going to force myself to stay in a place I stopped wanting to be in. I’m not going to continue doing something I no longer enjoy just to say I didn’t quit. Because what’s the point of that? Why would I do that to myself? Why would I waste my time? Why would I force myself to be miserable?
And this applies to most other things too. Relationships, certain habits, environments.
When I discover the true nature of the person I’m dating and realize I don’t want to be with this kind of person, maybe because we’re not compatible or share the same values, or maybe because they’re just a horrible mean person and therefore I don’t like them. I break up with them. When I engage in certain behaviors, like drinking, and realize that it never actually makes me feel good. (It just disguised itself that way. Because sure, in the moment, being drunk made me feel invincible. But it wasn’t worth how pukey and anxious I felt the next day. Especially when drinking isn’t the only way to feel as powerful as I do when I’m drunk). I stopped drinking.
When I live in a place and realize that I’ve done everything I wanted to do, seen everything I wanted to see, I’m ready to move on and explore life in other places. Because although I might love living here. Like, an insane amount. More than I’ve ever loved living anywhere else. That doesn’t mean I won’t love living in other places too. And maybe I’ll end up loving life in those other places even more, but I won’t know if I restrict myself by continuing to stay here for the rest of my life.
There’s so much to do, so much to see, so why should I force myself to be confined to one place forever when I don’t have to? And I know what you’re thinking! Why not just travel and visit places? Because traveling somewhere is not the same experience as actually living there. It just isn’t!
So that’s why I’m moving.
As sad as I am about leaving this city I love so much, I also know how instrumental change is to my happiness and well-being. Because change brings me excitement. And I’ve realized that excitement is what makes me feel most alive. And the opposite (I think), of change is stagnancy. The times when I’ve felt the least fulfilled. Like an empty shell of a person. When I lost any desire to leave my apartment. Were when I was most stagnant. I need movement, I need to be going somewhere (not just physically), I need to change and grow in order to feel any sense of purpose.
And that doesn’t always require moving. I’m not saying that if you live in one place your whole life, you’re stagnant and miserable. Because staying in one environment isn’t being stagnant. You can grow and change in other areas too. Whether that’s creating healthier habits for yourself, taking the next steps in your relationship with someone, switching career paths, or progressing in your current one.
Also, you know yourself best. And everyone values some things more than others. Like, someone might value career over relationships. So they might focus more on climbing the career ladder, because that would bring them more fulfillment than, say, getting married. There’s no right or wrong answer. The value of most things is subjective. “One person’s trash is another person’s treasure”.
And one of the things I value most is my environment. I feel like every place brings out a different version of me. And I want to discover every version of myself. And maybe see which one I like best. It’s like having the ability to try out different lives. Like trying on clothes.
It’s weird because sometimes I feel okay with dying. And other times, I want, so badly, to live as many lives as I can. There’s a quote by Sylvia Plath where she writes, “I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in my life.” And then she killed herself. But that’s exactly how I feel.
Sometimes I want nothing to do with the world, and other times I want everything from it.
And right now, I’m leaning toward the latter.
So, yay! I’m moving next week. I won’t say where because I want to keep that private.
But anyway, I love you LA. I love you more than any other place I’ve lived in. Thus far. Thank you for everything you’ve given me. The friendships, the love, the experiences, the memories. And I’ll never not love you. Despite your “flaws” that people find enjoyment in fixating on, I will always love you for you.
But now it’s time for my next adventure:)