September + October Journal

Ok let me preface this journal/post by informing you that the vibes here are god-awful. Like…negative, dark, evil, low-vibrational-whatever the fuck the health and wellness bitches would call it. So if you’re seeking bright rainbow sunny positive energy, exit out of this, open Youtube, and do a guided meditation or something. Because you won’t get that here.
And before anyone’s like, “Brittany it helps to take deep breaths and drink some water with electrolytes😌”….I’m saying this with love, but go fuck yourself. Because I do breath work and yoga every day. I drink so many damn bottles of 40oz Hydroflasks a day, it pisses me off how often I have to get up to refill them and order new packs of electrolytes.
Also…I’m a human being. And so are you. You’re allowed and supposed to feel anger and resentment, along with all the other more idealized emotions. If you didn’t, how would you know what you are and aren’t okay with?
Anger can help you realize where and what your boundaries are. It gives you the ability to know yourself better. It’s how you learn to stop being a fucking doormat.
Like, if someone were to say something disrespectful or rude to me, I’d feel anger toward them. And that’s my body’s way of telling me I don’t like that. That a part of me feels violated, like a boundary has been crossed. So I respond by either letting them know what the fuck is up or by cutting them off altogether. Usually, I choose the latter.
Because if someone disrespects me, then they’re not someone who’s deserving of my time or energy. So I don’t care enough to explain myself to them or argue in an attempt to save the relationship. It’s easier to just walk away. I am a goddamn pro at detaching and door-slamming people out of my life.
You don’t just have to go along with everything. You don’t have to be okay with everything.
And of course, managing your emotions is important to avoid being consumed by them. And part of managing those emotions involves letting yourself feel them, asking yourself why you feel them. And then releasing them in a healthy way. With anger, maybe that’s by communicating your boundaries, walking away from a situation, working out.
Right here, it’s writing. So this is where I let it all out. Because I want it out of me. Anger isn’t something I want to keep inside me. You don’t need a “solution” to feel less angry. The solution is this. Just letting it go in whatever way feels right to you. Obviously, in a way that doesn’t intentionally hurt anyone. Sure, you might hurt their feelings by walking away, but don’t slap them ya know. Like I promise there are healthier ways to respond. Also maybe don’t punch a hole in the wall…or yourself in the face…I have personally not done these things but I have seen them happen. And it’s embarrassing to watch…Again, healthier and safer options do exist.
Anyway, hope you enjoy the rancid vibes these journal entries so generously provide<3

September 21, 2023 – 8:09pm

Making it a goal to get back into writing, so this is where I’ll be posting casual/journal-esque entries for September and October. Aiming to post here at least twice a week. Even if it’s just a quick little note or thought throughout the day or a little life update.

I’ve missed this so much. Not sure why I find it impossible to actually do the things I like doing. But I also have ADHD and struggle with executive dysfunction. And there’s a Vyvanse shortage. So I haven’t been able to get my prescription filled for the past month.

It’s soo inconvenient that whenever I want to do something I enjoy, my body refuses to move. So I continue to stand in one place and waste an hour thinking about doing the thing instead. Executive dysfunction hell.

Also side note…please do not give me advice. Especially “health” advice. I understand that you might have good intentions, but this is me telling you that, with me, you’d be doing more harm than good. Because there are few things I hate more than unsolicited advice. I hate it so much that every time someone gives me unsolicited advice, I think, “Ughhh shut the fuck up” and block them. Which is equivalent to swatting a stupid little nat that keeps buzzing around in front of your face. Seriously. Just don’t. It’s condescending and I hate hate hate being told what to do. And honestly, who even likes unsolicited advice? No one asked for it? Giving strangers on the internet unsolicited advice is…irresponsible, rude, and annoying as fuck. Oh, you want to help? Perhaps respect people’s boundaries by not telling them what to do…Idk just a thought! You know I had to throw in the obligatory mini-rant in a journal post. But, this paragraph is ONLY directed toward the people who do this. Everyone else is a sweet baby angel<3

Speaking of rants…rants are sooo beneficial for the soul. Immediately after finishing a rant, I feel refreshed. Like a clean, newborn soul, if you will. Journaling and ranting are like my body’s way of detoxing any underlying hatred I have lingering inside of me. I seem angry and mean, but this is just me being health-conscious! This is me unbottling repressed emotions!

However, I will say that anger is something that I’m actively striving to get better at managing. My whole life, my mom has told me that I need to be more patient. And that’s valid. Because I tend to lose my shit at the slightest inconvenience. Any time someone has said something even slightly annoying, or in class when someone would ask a question with an obvious answer (btw, teachers are lying when they say stupid questions don’t exist. They DO. And the people raising their hand every 5 seconds need to know), my brain’s like, “UGH people are so stupiddd!!” or any time the car in front of me takes too long to turn, I’m like, “WTF GOOO”. My road rage is so bad, it’s concerning. Like, I’m moving to a walkable city next week so that I won’t have to drive and can avoid the road rage altogether!

See? I’m taking actionable steps (figuratively and, in a week, literally), I’m working on it! Learning, growing, thriving out here

September 22, 2023 – 4:28pm

Ok don’t get me wrong, I LOVE how independent I am. I love how I can do anything and everything alone. I love not having to depend on anyone. I think that’s one my my best qualities.

With that being said…moving all by yourself is hell. Moving across the country (again) is even further down the depths of hells. Every time I see someone’s friends or family helping them move, I feel a little resentment toward them. A little jealousy. Because wow you really have a whole team of people assisting you. Don’t mind me, just fantasizing that for myself. Imagining the world of a difference it’d make in my current scenario.

Because holy fuck furniture is heavy. Especially for a 95lb 5’1 woman. Going up and down 2 flights of stairs to my apartment 30 times in the span of an hour. I mean I guess it’s a good workout? But I’m already underweight which is the cause of all my health issues. So I’m not sure the benefits of all this exercise is beneficial at all.

Anyway, this is just me journaling while I take a little break from packing up my life into boxes. And un-bottling the annoyance and stress that has been brewing inside of me for the past week.

And I guess I could ask for help. But I hate asking for help. So much that I’m choosing to work myself to death (no really I might pass out and fall down the stairs) instead. I’m being dramatic. But I think it’s okay and valid to be a little dramatic when you’re overwhelmed.

But it also helps to remember how lucky I am that I’m even able to move.

Because yes, there are the inevitable stressful parts that come with it. But I’m also grateful for those parts.

I’m lucky to have a body that’s strong enough to pick up heavy furniture, a body that has the endurance to walk up and down the stairs 30 times in the span of an hour, the time freedom and flexible schedule I have that allows me to do this at whatever hours/days are most suitable, when I have the most energy. I’m grateful that I can even move across the country. I’m grateful I can go wherever I want, whenever I want.

Because a little over 2 years ago, I had $308 to my name, lived with my parents, and felt like a clueless failure because everyone else my age had already moved out, to apartments of their own. And now I have that. Sometimes you’re so caught up in the moment that you don’t stop to look around and realize how far you’ve come. Remember where you started? Remember who you were when you started?

Because even if it might not look like much, you’re still further than you were 2 years ago. Even if you’ve only moved by 5 centimeters. You’re still moving, you’re still progressing. This isn’t where your story ends.

And sure, I don’t have people helping me. But I’ve been blessed with an abundance of qualities within me that give me the power to do this all on my own.

Anyway, I don’t know how to end this! I’m just temporarily stressed but forever grateful. Also…you will always end up where you’re meant to be. And everything will be okay. And what you’e doing now isn’t all for nothing.

September 29, 2023 – 8:36pm

It’s Friday night in the cityyyyy!!! And I’m…sitting on the floor (my furniture isn’t here yet leave me alone). Writing while catching up on the newest episode of Southern Charm because DUH what else would you expect of me on a Friday night. But NOW with a more exciting view to glance at whenever my eyes aren’t being imprisoned by whatever screen is in front of me.

So, I’m really fucking in love…With my new apartment and city because I finally moved in yesterday!! Also my first time stepping foot in it since I only did a virtual tour from across the country. Let’s take a moment to acknowledge the amount of trust I put into that video tour the property manager sent me a month ago. And shoutout to my intuition for being correct, because I’m here now without a single regret.

The past week has been prettyyyy hectic with the whole moving out/moving in process, so my brain’s currently a disheveled mess! Words are flying out with no second-thought, because they’ve been itching to get out. So I don’t know if any of this is even coherent, but I’m also too tired to care right now!

Anyway, just wanted to write a quick little excerpt amidst the chaos! Buuut hoping I can find the time this weekend to sit down and write out everything that has been on my mind the past few days:)

October 16, 2023 – 7:23pm

Hey. Just took an edible. Sitting in my now furnished living room. Appreciate the little things? I do, and this is one of them!
For reference, I didn’t have furniture for a week and a half after moving in. I literally slept on a cot in the middle of my empty living room up until last Saturday. I do have a bedroom, but what difference would it make! It’s empty in there too!
By the way, the cot was shockingly comfortable? I refuse to ever sleep on an air mattress again. It’s cots from here on out. I think I fell asleep faster in it than I ever did in my bed. But I do have a bed now!
And speaking of sleep…As a chronic insomniac, I’m shocked to say I’ve only had one sleepless night in the 18 days I’ve lived here. Which blows my mind. And is just even more confirmation that this move was the right decision. I used to go multiple days without sleep! It’d take AT LEAST four hours to fall asleep. But now, the majority of nights, I’ve fallen asleep within an hour of getting in bed every night.
And of course, as a response to such a good thing, a joyous streak, my brain’s like “hmmm well this will be the night your insomnia comes back.” It’s like, “Hey, don’t enjoy this too much because the moment you start getting comfortable in this enjoyment, it’ll be taken away!”
Anyway.
Trying to get back into the habit of writing again now that the long list of “To Do’s” has gotten shorter. But right now, nothing’s coming to mind. I’ve been trying to think of a topic that riles me up with any kind of feeling.
But instead, I feel nothing as I skim through my notes app filled with the mini journal entries I’d write every time someone or something made my brain go, “Ugh.”
I think my brain’s just fried from 2 weeks of constantly checking off the never-ending flow of responsibilities. I’m too tired to write. And that’s valid! My brain needs a break. It needs to rest and recover. It needs time to just sit and do nothing for a second. Without the pestering thoughts of “Hey, you need to do this!”, “Um you still have to do this” popping up uninvited.
So here’s this. Until I become human and gain back the ability to feel feelings again.