For the past few months, or maybe even for the past year, I’ve been spending a lot of my days feeling like I’m waiting for something. But I don’t know what that is. Like I’m stuck on autopilot until this day comes. Like I have to hold off on doing what I really want until I reach this point in my life where everything’s “figured out” or “fallen into place”. It’s like I’m holding myself off from feeling enjoyment and taking action until I reach this point. So instead I’m just stuck waiting in limbo, in anticipation of this theoretical moment.
Obviously, not every single day. I’ll have days or weeks where, for the most part, I’m genuinely present and here and in this moment, without the lingering feeling that life hasn’t really happened yet.
And it’s weird because I know happiness or contentment isn’t a destination. I feel like I say that in half my posts on here. Maybe that’s my way of trying to remind myself. But I guess it’s difficult changing the subconscious thoughts that have crowded my head my whole life.
This idea that one day I’ll have everything figured out, that I’ll be “settled” and no longer have anxious thoughts or feelings of uncertainty about the future, because I’ll have reached this “final” place at the top where everything’s good and there are no more “downs” in regards to life’s “ups and downs”. Like everything will be perfect and it’ll stay that way for the rest of my life. Only then will I be allowed to relax. No longer on the lookout for or in anticipation of potential threats. I won’t have to worry anymore, so now I’m allowed to actually enjoy life. Now it’s “okay” to just be here in this present moment.
It’s like I won’t let myself be truly happy because I haven’t earned that right yet, I don’t have every single part of my life figured out yet. Mr brain’s like, “No, you’re not allowed to go out and have fun yet! You need to be responsible and finish all your tasks first! Your tasks being: have your entire life figured out and set in stone right now.” Until then, everything’s still up in the air. “What if ____ happens?” “What if ____ goes downhill?” “What if ____ doesn’t work out?” There’s still uncertainty, still so many things to worry about. But once I reach this “destination” in my head, life will be perfect…permanently. I won’t have to worry about my happiness being taken away. But right now? I can’t let myself be too happy right now, because it won’t last. Because I’m not there yet. Because some challenge, some problem, is going to arise, and I need to be prepared for it. And the less happy I am, the less that’ll be taken from me. If I’m too happy, that’s more that’ll be taken from me. That’s more to lose. So I need to stay stuck in this “safe zone” of being just moderately happy, only letting myself moderately enjoy things.
Once I have every single aspect of my life figured out, once everything’s in place and settled, once I reach my career goals, my financial goals, once my social/love life looks like this or that, once I buy my perfect home, then I’ll have earned the freedom to fully be happy and do whatever I want without feeling guilty. Because there’ll be no more “what if’s”, no more challenges left. Therefore, nothing can go wrong because I’ll have everything I want and it’ll stay that way for the rest of my life. Only then can I let myself relax, be present, and live, because I’m no longer in “survival mode”, no longer stuck anticipating what could go wrong. There’s no more uncertainty, no more surprises. No more “work” that needs to be done for my future because I’ve made it, and I’m here. I’ve finished my tasks, so now I can have fun.
But right now, in the moments where I do feel happy, where I am having fun and loving life, I can’t help but feel this sense of guilt in the back of my head. Like, “This isn’t productive. I should be doing _____ instead”, “Don’t get too excited, you’re just going to be let down” or this reminder of “This isn’t going to last” followed by a list of things that could go wrong. My brain’s so good at that. When people refer to “haters” who always try to “humble you” or “hold you back”, I feel like that hater lives inside of me.
Feelings of self-doubt and pessimism, thinking “No Brittany, you need to be more realistic”, “Oh something you did went really well and exceeded your expectations? Well it won’t last, it won’t be like this next time, so just stop now”, “This is going well for you right now? Well, it won’t work out in the long term. Eventually, you’ll hit a point where it goes downhill. So you need to think about what you’re going to do when that happens”, “Aw, you accomplished this? Well don’t be too proud of yourself, you need to stay grounded because you probably won’t be able to sustain this many wins.” “Oh, you feel really fulfilled and content right now? Well, you shouldn’t be, because you still haven’t achieved every single thing you’ve wanted to yet.”
And it’s fucked because I realize how good life is, but my brain’s making it hell. Externally, life’s amazing. I’m surrounded by loving friends, living in a wonderful home, in a city that I love. But my brain continues to find ways to distort this reality. “Your friends actually hate you”, “What if your apartment catches on fire or there’s an earthquake and you lose everything?” “Everyone says they hate LA, so eventually you will too.” And I get that maybe my brain just wants to protect me and ensure I’m prepared for anything that may arise, but what the fuck!
Are any of those things happening now? No! Why am I forcing myself to feel like shit about things that haven’t even happened? Why do I have to force myself to be stuck in this feeling of discontentment until I reach this destination that isn’t even real? Why have I placed this rule on myself, this rule that I’m not allowed to fully enjoy life, because I haven’t “earned” it yet? I haven’t “earned” my happiness yet.
Why do I have to wait to enjoy life? I’m 26 years old. How much longer do I have to wait? 20 years? 30? By then, my life is more than halfway over. Life is happening right now. Can’t I just live in it, can’t I just be here now? Because the whole time I’ve been anticipating, “living” in freeze mode, life’s happening. And it continues to pass me by while I sit on the sidelines watching, waiting for my turn to participate. Watching life happen in front of me but never fully being a part of any of it. How much of my life have I wasted by waiting, by standing in my own way?
And this permanent dream destination I’ve created in my head doesn’t even exist. Because this idea that you’re going to reach a point in your life where all of your problems go away, where there are no more ups and downs, no more unpredictability, no more hard times or challenges to overcome, no more disappointments, no more bad days/weeks isn’t even possible. Except MAYBE unless you decide to commit to being a complete hermit for the rest of your life, never leave your house, socialize, or do anything outside of your comfort zone. And sure, I guess that’d make your life more predictable and maybe give you a stronger sense of security. But at that point, are you even living? Because it almost sounds like being stuck on autopilot for the rest of your life, just existing, repeating the exact same day for years, waiting for life to be over. And how joyous is that? Isn’t the whole point of all of this to enjoy life?
So live now. Experience life now. Be here now. Allow yourself to feel and experience joy in the little moments. Fully. Because those little moments are your life. Life isn’t this “big moment”, this “big break” you’ve been waiting for. Stop waiting for life to happen, it’s already happening. Don’t be so busy anticipating the future, so overwhelmed with anxious thoughts that you get trapped in your head and become too paralyzed to actually go out there and do anything. Don’t waste your whole life waiting for that big “perfect” moment when it probably doesn’t even exist. And if it does exist, and you get there, what if you still aren’t as happy or content as you thought you’d be? That’s not certain. But what is certain is what’s in front of you right now. So give yourself that happiness you’ve always wanted now, you don’t need to torture yourself for the rest of your life by holding off on it, you don’t need to achieve anything in order to earn it.
And I know that all of this is sooo much easier said than done. But we can at least try.