May 17th, 2023 – 2:39pm
So instead of replying to the 18 text messages I need to reply to, I’m going to write about how and why I despise texting instead. Avoidance yay!
Sometimes people think I hate them because I initiate texts maybe once every 3 months out of guilt and do the bare minimum when responding to theirs. (My go-to response is hearting their message, thank you Apple for that feature. You don’t give much, besides self-inflicted glitches to trick us into upgrading to your newest iPhone model which is hardly an upgrade at all, but at least you give that). But I don’t hate them! I hate texting!
I cherish my alone time. And I’m privileged enough to really only have to worry about myself. Like, I have no kids, no one I need to take care of. And, side tangent! I appreciate that so much that I’ll probably never have kids. I’ve never wanted them and still don’t. Which btw, I’ve said this before, everyone’s different so you can’t expect everyone to want the same things in life. And it’s entitled and weird as hell to tell people what to do with theirs. I NEED my alone time. And I know myself enough to recognize that being responsible for a whole entire human being wouldn’t be great for me OR them. Having a child isn’t like buying a fucking pizza! I’m not just going to have one for the sole purpose of following societal traditions when I know damn well I’m not equipped to do all that! I’m so incredibly grateful to be free from that, and I don’t take that for granted.
SO, back to the main point. I love my free time, I love my alone time. I love not having to answer to anyone but myself. But when I get texts, my brain’s like UGH! Someone to answer to! Another task to add to my to-do list! And I know that sounds silly because it’s just a text. But I think it’s the fact that sometimes the energy and time required to respond outweigh their level of importance/impact? Like, I’d rather we just conversate when we hang out in real life. Why do I need a half-assed conversation happening on the sidelines as I go about my day? That cuts into my alone time! Because now whenever I’m going on a walk or to the grocery store by myself (which is very therapeutic btw), in the back of my head, I’m thinking about how I should respond to your text or I’m thinking about what I said in the one I just sent. “Ugh what do I say next?”, “How should I respond to that?”, “Was that an okay response?”, “Did I sound mean?”, “Now I have to google what I’m talking about to make sure that what I said is right”. It’s just added unnecessary brain clutter, which I don’t need any more of. I love talking to people (well, most people), but I’d rather it happen in real-time. That way it’s more natural. And I can resist falling back into my habit of spending hours trying to come up with the perfect response as I go through my day. I already have a million thoughts running through my head all day, and my alone time gives me the space to clear it up a little amidst the rush of it all. But now that quiet sanctuary is flooded with people demanding me to respond. Not actually demanding, but that’s how things feel when they feel like a task.
And texting is boring! Half the time it feels forced, because why am I taking more than 5 minutes to think of what to say next to avoid sounding rude or uninterested? And sometimes to spice up a conversation, they’ll ask a loaded question. And that’s when I think, “Ok enough! Nope!” and leave them on delivered. Raw. No thumbs up or hearting the message. Because I need them to know I’m not that kind of texter. I’m a light texter! We can text about making plans or like, news you’re excited to share (which btw, I love and genuinely appreciate when my friends include me in moments like that), anything important. Just not a mundane conversation. Like, I don’t need a play-by-play of your entire Wednesday. And I don’t want you to get to know me purely through my answers to the questions you ask me. I don’t care how “deep” the questions are. In fact, that would only make this more annoying. And regardless of the answer I give (which I wouldn’t give in the first place because I wouldn’t respond), you wouldn’t know me any “deeper” or any more than you did before.
I don’t hate talking to you, I just hate texting. End of rant! I guess I’ll go respond to those texts now.
May 24th, 2023 – 1:40pm
Holyshit I wish the weather didn’t have such an enormous impact on my mood, but the cloudy weather has been sucking the life out of every fiber of my body lately. I’m like a plant that relies on sunlight for energy. If the sun’s not out, neither is my personality! My entire being is minimized to just the outer shell of myself on days like this. Where is my soul? Girl idk!! It dissipated into the clouds! On overcast days, my energy is nonexistent. And so is my desire to socialize, to leave my apartment, to be an active participant in life…dramatic? I don’t care it’s my truth! That’s why I ran away to sunny Arizona for a week! Fuck this mopey weather! I’ll go as far to say that it’s the bane of my existence! The reason for all my problems! I’m in a mood today okay? This weather is pissing me the fuck off. I mean at least I have my shit together for the most part? I’m just annoyed. Once the weather gets sunny and warm and actually STAYS sunny and warm, I’ll be happy and all my problems will go away. And I know the whole “Once _____ happens, I’ll be happy!” gets a lot of shit because people are like, well, “You’l just find something else to be unhappy about, just be happy with yourself<3” and speak for your MF self! Because the sunny weather has literally always cured my mood in the past. And no, I didn’t find anything else to be “unhappy” about. Why? Because it was sunny! Which means I felt energetic and motivated to go outside! And going outside means I’m being active, and being active means I’m not just sitting alone inside, stuck in my head, finding shit to be angry about! Of course I’m still active on overcast days, I mean holyfuck I’ve been going do 2-3 workout classes a day because look I’m trying, okay?? I’m trying to function like a normal human being, but like I said, I’m a plant! I was fed no sun before walking into this workout class, and although my body’s going through all the motions (in stellar form btw because I’m still a perfectionist on my physically worst days), I am dead inside! Also noticing that this is yet another rant in my April journal. But it’s been cloudy as shit the past few weeks which means the bottled up anger in my body has been boiling with every day that passes. And now that I’ve let out some steam, I’m heading to my second yoga class of the day! Weeee ok bye
May 24th, 2023 – 7:29pm
I should just rename my “May Journal” to “Ranting Journal” because wowowow have I been critical as hell toward the world lately. But maybe the world should just do better idk?
So here’s what’s currently irking me this evening. If I write a few posts where I express annoyance or any mood other than “Golly gee I love the world I’m so effing happy and everything is great! hehe!!”, someone will assume I’m really unhappy and “in a bad place” in my life. And I’m sorry but that logic is so…stupid? Because do you realize that we are human beings? Who have a million different thoughts everyday? (Right? Maybe they can’t relate so perhaps that’s why they misunderstand?) Anyway, those millions of thoughts cause you to feel a variety of different emotions? And personally, if one of those thoughts, out of the millions, happens to be one that I want to get off my chest, I tend to write it about, on idk, my blog where I write about whatever I want.
That one thought does not dictate or sum up my whole life. Because again, I’m assuming that most humans have countless thoughts running through their heads all day. Both conscious and subconscious. We are not robots. It’s not like, woo! 7AM, alarm going off, life is going great, so I’m going to be a happy dumb dumb ALL day! All happy thoughts! Not one negative thought happening here! No critical thinking skills in sight! Just a brain full of nothing but happy thoughts all day! No annoyance or “negative” emotions from me! Even when I observe something that tells me the world is going to shit! Because I’m a fucking robot and my brain is full of sawdust!
Or ok so maybe I wake up and the weather is ass. Cloudy, grey, booo. It’s summer?? Sun? Where are you? Get off your fucking ass and work! Stop hiding your bitchass behind the clouds! (I have extreme seasonal affective disorder but at least I’m incredibly self-aware!)
Ooh ok so I experience a little annoyance due to the weather! Big whoop! That doesn’t mean ohmygod my whole entire life is in despair & I never experience a single second of joy ever on cloudy days! Do you realize how insane that sounds?
I just wish people would understand that everything isn’t all or nothing! Just because someone expresses a few moments (key word MOMENTS) of slight annoyance, that doesn’t mean it’s their whole life. That’s just what they’ve chosen to express out loud.
That’s like thinking something didn’t happen just because it wasn’t posted about on social media. The world exists outside of the internet! The world continues to spin everyday without a play-by-play vlog of it doing so, and so do peoples lives.
The internet has become such an enormous part of our lives that I think so many of us have been brainwashed into forgetting that real life exists. Like, the internet has become what we perceive as real life. And real life doesn’t exist or count if it’s not shown on the internet. Whether that be to our friends or people we’ve met.
I don’t even know if that makes sense. I will say that I did microdose earlier today. But it makes sense to me! And I guess that’s all that matters. You don’t need explain yourself to everyone. I mean, I guess I am. But unintentionally. Because sometimes I forget people can actually read what I’m writing on here, and I try not to think about that too much. Because if I do, then I think I’d subconsciously hold myself back from expressing my true thoughts. To me, this is just an open void where I can freely shout and release my bottled up unfiltered thoughts into. Whenever I rant on here, it feels like I’m expelling whatever’s been weighing me down from my body. And I feel a little lighter and a little better afterward. That’s all this is.
But if someone out there feels less alone because of it, then that’s just the cherry on top. Because I don’t think anyone is alone in their thoughts. It’s crazy how massive the world is, how billions of people exist, yet how so many of us still feel alone at the end of the day. But someone else out there is experiencing what you feel too. They just haven’t said it out loud. It not being posted about doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
May 28th, 2023 – 7:43pm
Wowowow do I have some things to get off my chest. For some reason there’s this misconception that if you love being alone, then you hate socializing. Sorry what?
Sometime I go through phases where I have no desire to leave my apartment. Where being alone, staying in my comfy clothes, watching tv, etc just sounds soo much more appealing. I don’t have to answer to anyone but myself, I can do whatever I want, when I want. Total freedom. Which is what I love the most.
Some days I just don’t feel like interacting with people. And that’s it. It’s not any deeper than that. I hate saying I’m introverted (actually, I took a personality test that told me I’m somewhere in the middle of introversion and extraversion). But the reason I hate calling myself introverted is because so many people confuse that with being shy or quiet. I guess I was being too generous when I assumed that everyone would’ve learned the difference by now. Introversion just means you gain energy from being alone. I can be the most social, outgoing person at a party, I just need time to recharge my social battery afterward by going home & being alone for a sec. I can’t stand ALWAYS having someone in my space. Constantly there, lurking around. I’m suffocating just thinking about it.
I mean, I moved across the country by myself without knowing a single person. While also being self-employed. So it’s not like I had co-workers I could meet and befriend. But in the past year and a half, I’ve made a solid group of friends solely by putting myself out there & socializing. See? Being introverted doesn’t mean I hate socializing or that I’m aww soo shyyyy. It just means I recharge by being alone, like I’ve never been someone who NEEDS to be around people all the time. I was raised to be super independent, being alone has always felt so easy, like second-nature to me. I’m introverted, not anti-social. I feel like that’s not a super difficult concept to understand? You can be a multi-faceted person! You do not need to restrict your interests/personality by putting yourself into a box.
The entirety of who you are doesn’t need to be minimized to a single label or category.
Just because someone’s one way or does this one thing, that doesn’t mean they’re also all these other things that sound semi-correlated to that one thing.
Idk if that made sense. There’s just a very specific thing I’m referring to that someone said recently that irked me. But! I’m self-aware enough to know I can be vicious as hell when I’m annoyed. But also hate confrontation and conflict. So I always journal about it first to spill out my thoughts in order to avoid going off on them. Yay healthy coping mechanisms!
Some days, I’m a social butterfly who wants to talk to everyone. And some days I’m a hermit who just want to be left alone. You can be both. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.
I think one of my biggest pet peeves is when people misunderstand me or try to put me in a box or label me. Or, in other words, maybe my biggest pet peeve is just stupidity. Because why else would your brain find it necessary to put everything into a category in order for you understand it? I thought we all grew out if that. “You’re _____, therefore you’re _______. You’re not allowed to be a multi-faceted person, because my brain can’t comprehend that much information!” And that’s why I despise when, upon meeting someone, they’re like, “So, describe yourself in 3 words! Tell me about yourself!” Ohmygod shutttt up. I’m mentally leaving this interaction and coming up with excuses to walk away and never interact with you ever again, because you’re making this conversation a whole damn chore. We just met and now you’re making me explain myself to you? Boooo boring byeee.
There’s a difference between getting to know someone and asking them to sum up who they are.
I’ll admit that sometimes I can be too critical of people. But really, all I want is for people to be decent and genuine. And ironically, I have a habit of getting mean and sassy as hell when they aren’t.
But I guess I just have to remember that everyones brains work differently. And that we’re all at various stages in our human/learning/growth/life(?) journey. Not only that, but our journeys are all different. So I can’t and shouldn’t expect everyone to think the way I do. Or that the way I think is any better than the way they think. Because obviously my version makes sense to me, and theirs to them. So it’d be unfair to tell them that their way of understanding the world is wrong.