Hellooo 2024.
As someone who habitually leaves everything behind in exchange for a whole new life every two years (due to the inconvenient fact that “fresh starts” re-awaken every inch of my dopamine-deprived soul in a way that nothing else ever has), the beginning of a new year is my shit.
And I know that time is made up! But so is everything!
I think that your perception of your reality, more than actual reality, plays the bigger role in determining how “good” your life is. “The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”
You can be at the top of your career ladder, making a hundred million dollars a year while also having the most amazing set of family and friends who care about you. But if all you can focus on is how you’re not a billionaire yet or how you’re not on some Forbes list, your life won’t feel as fulfilling, because all you can feel is this feeling of “it’s not enough”. Your life looks and feels empty because all you can see (or not see) is what you don’t have. Despite seemingly having everything-according to your mind, you have nothing. So you’re left feeling unhappy and dissatisfied.
But having “nothing” isn’t your reality, you’ve just created that perception of it in your head by how you chose to measure the quality of your life. But if you reframed your mindset and chose to focus on how great the things you do have are, you’d feel significantly more fulfilled and happy. Despite nothing changing externally/in real life. And that’s why perspective is so important.
So yeah, time isn’t real. But if the idea of a fresh start, a new beginning, or a new year gets you excited about life and motivated to pursue your goals again, then who fucking cares! Let it!
Honestly, last year was a little rough for me.
The beginning of 2023 welcomed me in with a big “fuck you” in the form of an unexpected death of a loved one. My closest loved one. Two weeks before my birthday.
Which kind of lead me into spending the year ebbing in and out of dissociation because that’s just how I deal with grief. Avoidance! Whoops!
Some weeks, I’d be a complete hermit. Shutting off my phone, not talking to or seeing anyone, never leaving my apartment.
Disappearing from the world as if I were pressing pause on my existence.
Other times, I’d be a social butterfly who’d go weeks without being home. Initiating conversations, attending social events, trying new classes, embarking on solo trips, making a conscious effort to exist in the outside world.
I have a subconscious tendency to measure my value and self-worth based on how much I’m achieving or how productive I’m being. So, it was challenging for me to not feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and failure whenever I’d dip into hermit mode or let myself relax. Even when I was physically relaxing, my mind was overworking itself into exhaustion from my anxious thoughts yelling at me to, “Stop being lazy! Get up and do something!” and “Stop neglecting your responsibilities! You’re falling behind!”
And at first when looking back, I’d get really down on myself, feeling like I wasted so much time. But then I’m like..you know what? That’s what I needed. I needed some time away. I needed some time to just be alone. I needed some time to escape from all the noise and demands of the world. That time was useful. And it doesn’t define me. I just gave myself what I needed at the time.
I mean, everyone sleeps. We all need sleep. You sleep every night, or at least some nights if you’re an insomniac like me. Why? Because you’re a human and sleep is what your body needed at the time. You don’t define yourself as a “sleeper”…One, because that just sounds fucking stupid. And two, that’s not all you are. Obviously.
You were just giving yourself what you needed at the time. That’s it.
I’m not a failure for all the time I spent doing “nothing”. I was just giving myself what I needed at the time.
It’s easy for me to be compassionate, empathetic, and understanding toward others and their struggles. But for some reason, I find it difficult to be that way toward myself. And why? I’m no less of a person than anyone else. My feelings aren’t any less valid than theirs. I’m just as important and as valuable as everyone else. And that’s something I’ve been working on reminding myself. Self-compassion. If someone you care about was struggling and needed help, you wouldn’t invalidate or neglect them. So why would you to that to yourself? You deserve the same love and compassion you give to others.
I gave myself what I needed last year. My needs have been met and my energy has been recharged. And now I feel ready and excited to do and pursue all the things I want for myself year.
And if I feel the need to take a break again, I can give that to myself. It doesn’t mean I’m failing or falling behind or getting worse again or going backwards. I’m just taking a fucking break. That’s all it is. It’s nothing more than just that. It doesn’t say anything about who I am as a person, my value, my success, etc. There is no deeper meaning. You’re tired? You sleep! That’s it. That’s all it fucking is.
Anyway, that’s all. I don’t know how to end this. I never know how to end my rambles. In my head I’m like, “Alright. Boom. I said my shit. I’m out. Goodbyeee” and hit post before editing, organizing, or clarifying any of my inevitable word vomit. Like, maybe I’ll say something a little silly. But who cares! I have a limited amount of fucks to give, so it’s imperative for me to be mindful of where I choose to invest them. It’s like, your time and energy. Your time and energy is valuable. And not everyone or everything is worthy of receiving it.
One might think that spreading yourself too thin, giving a little piece of yourself to every single thing and every single person gets you everywhere. And I guess, in a way, it does. But it doesn’t truly get you anywhere at all. At least not anywhere meaningful.
If you’re everyone’s cup of tea, then you’re probably not doing anything interesting enough to be notable. Just a basic cup of tea. Anddd I’d honestly rather be called every other horrible name in the book than that. Because that’s the worst one of all.
There I go again! A concluding ramble to end the original ramble. Whoops! My brain’s a hot scrambled mess, what can I say! My ADHD (even on meds) forces me to rush every thought out of my brain in the most grammatically incorrect way possible before I forget it. Sometimes when I go on about something to someone, I’m like “Oh shit, what did I just say? Good luck deciphering that and coming up with a response. Sorry!” That’s how I feel when I finish my posts. But then I’m like, Well! Those who get it will get it.
Again! The importance of perception! It’s all about how you choose to perceive things. I can choose to feel down about myself for not being everyone’s cup of tea, or I can be like, “Fuck yeah! Thank gawd or whoever that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.”
Life really is what you make of it. You can’t control everything, but you can control how you respond to it. You have more power over yourself and your life than you think. Happy new year:)