October 25, 2023
It seems like the internet is really getting off to productivity right now. Full-on climaxing over how productive and “optimized” they can make themselves as if their entire value stems from how busy they are and how hard they work. I think sometimes people feel the need to make things more difficult than are in order to feel a sense of purpose. In order to feel like they’re “doing something.” Even if/when that consists of forcing themselves into misery from laboring themselves 24/7 with pointless busy work as if working is their only purpose in life.
Which is kind of sad. Because I don’t think life was ever meant to be this insufferable.
All this to say, I’m letting myself somewhat fall into this trap. But in a more “practical”(?) way. Only because I kind of need to balance out my love of doing nothing so I can live as a functioning human being in this world our rule-makers have overcomplicated.
So, I’m once again making it a goal to become someone who is consistent. Because right now, the only thing I’m consistent at is being inconsistent. And unfortunately, today’s world isn’t compatible with fluctuating waves of effort if you want to survive.
But my brain looves falling into its habitual “all or nothing” mindset. I either need to take hardcore action or do nothing at all. Those are my only 2 choices.
Which is why, at the beginning of something new, it’ll seem like I’m doing soo well. But then I hit my limit. And then I enter my burnout phase where I can’t bring myself even to begin doing anything. Because I have nothing left to give. I went 100mph down the road, with my foot pressed fully against the gas pedal, and now my tank is empty.
I know that things don’t have to be all or nothing, but it feels impossible for me to have balance without feeling like I’m not doing enough.
Because if I take little breaks in between whatever I’m doing to create that balance, my brain’s like, “You should be working, you’re wasting time” or “You’re not doing enough, you should be doing all these things instead, you’re falling behind, you’re failing” amidst those breaks so they end up not feeling like breaks at all.
I’m either fully committed or I’m not at all. I’m either in a grinding phase or a rotting phase. Because when I do take breaks in between the work, my body becomes filled with that lingering sense of guilt. And feeling guilty while you’re resting isn’t resting when you’re spending the whole time stressing.
Finding what works for me, personally, has been a challenge I’ve yet to overcome. I’ve already run a trial on every single one of those “Learn to be more productive with this simple trick!” videos that cover the entirety of my YouTube Recommendations page. But I’ve yet to find one that feels sustainable to me. It’s like I require a certain way of thinking to bring myself to care enough to commit to anything long-term.
But I’ve realized that most of the advice out there is built for neurotypical people. I used to think being ADHD neurodivergent wasn’t a big deal. I thought I could still operate and think the same way everyone else does. But you’re brain’s wired differently when you’re neurodivergent.
How can you follow a set of instructions written for a system that isn’t yours and expect it to work? It’s like, if you’re a Mac, you’re not going to be built or programmed the same way PC’s are. For computer games you download (shoutout Sims), there’s almost always a version for Mac and a version for PC. I can’t download the PC version and expect it to work on my Mac.
So I’ve been on a never-ending quest to figure out what works for my brain.
Last night, feeling overwhelmed by all the pending tasks I had been avoiding for months, I was like ok Brittany we can’t keep doing this, we need to figure this shit out now. Because this growing list of tasks is sucking the life out of you. It’s making it difficult for you to be present in your everyday life. Because whenever you’re doing anything – spending time with friends, taking a yoga class, watching TV, etc, you’re stuck in your head the whole time ruminating on all the responsibilities you’re avoiding. You’re never fully there.
So I looked back at my life and asked myself, hmm at which phase in my life did my days feel the most natural and simple for me? Besides childhood because duh I’d love to not have any responsibilities at all. But like, when did I feel most compelled to take action on a day-to-day basis and do all the things I didn’t particularly want to do.
College! When I had a class schedule, requirements to fill, and projects with due dates. I loved that I could create my own class schedule and had the freedom to sign up for whichever classes at whatever time worked best for me. Like, scheduling all my classes in the morning, so I could work my part-time job in the evening or vice versa.
Class schedules were, essentially, just spending a set amount of time, at the same time, each week on a particular thing.
Like, English class would be on Tuesdays and Thursdays every week from 9:30am-10:45am. And then Poli Sci would be 11am-12:15pm. And then I’d get lunch at 12:30pm, before my next class from 1-2:15pm. And then I’d go to the gym after class from 3pm-4pm before heading off to work at my part-time job from 5pm-11pm.
That way I didn’t have to expend all my energy trying to decide what to do or where to go next. I already knew. Fuck you, decision fatigue! And decreased decision fatigue granted me that extra mental energy I could use toward learning/studying more sufficiently to earn higher grades.
And here’s another thing! Maintaining my 4.0 GPA was super important to me, so I always turned in every single one of my assignments, studied before exams, and finished all my projects. Always. It wasn’t an option to me. Those were my priorities.
I find regular adult tasks like laundry, cleaning, doing my job (especially since I’m self-employed), etc. difficult. Even though the act of actually doing the thing is simple.
And, in my head, I perceived those tasks as optional. Like, I don’t HAVE to do them. I’m not getting graded for this. No one’s expecting me to do them. But I HAD to do all my college assignments. Unless I wanted to fail the class and waste the next semester re-taking it.
Perspective!! So now, I view these adult tasks as college assignments. I HAVE to do them. It’s not an option. They’re priorities. Because, if not, I’ll end up paying for it down the line.
I know this all probably seems so dumb to everyone who already has a routine that works for them. But as a freelancer/self-employed person, I was never given a set routine or structure to follow. I’m given the freedom to make things up as I go along. And freedom is great, it’s probably my most favorite thing ever. But being granted all this freedom makes everything seem optional. Like, “I don’t need to do this, I can get to it later.” But then when a task is optional, I tend to just not do it because I don’t take it seriously.
So I’ve been re-framing my perception of everything. To view it the same way I viewed college. Like, I’ve set 9:30-1045am Tuesday-Thursday as my writing time. That’s what I’m doing right now at 10:38am on a Wednesday. And I HAVE to go to “class” and do it every week Tuesday-Thursday from 9:30am-10:45am in order to pass, in order to get to where I want to be.
Even if I do a mediocre job, even if I’m only half-present during “class.” I still need to go. I just need to be there. That’s the difficult part. Taking action. I spend all this time researching hacks and tips related to the task in an attempt to delay/avoid actually doing the damn thing.
I’m also trying to let go of my perfectionist tendencies. Because that’s what holds me back a lot of the time. I’ll want to write. But in my head think, “hm no, words just aren’t flowing out of my head as easily today” or “I don’t know what to write about.”
Like, this morning, it’s overcast as hell outside, and my brain’s foggy and scrambled. I’m definitely not being eloquent with my words or being grammatically correct.
But when am I ever? I’ve noticed that focusing so much on how intelligent you sound or how pretty your sentences are or how many big words you’re using often minimizes what you’re actually trying to say. It’s just fluff and bullshit. Sometimes people use all these fancy words and sentences their past English teachers would get giddy over, and I’m like, “Ok but what the actual fuck are you saying?” Using a lot of words but saying so little. Can you tell I resented all the classic literary texts we were required to read? I don’t care enough to waste 30 minutes trying to deciper every single one of these pointless proses written in this absolute snoozer of a story! These books are only “profound” because they’re old as fuck!
Anyway, didn’t even know what I was going to write about before I opened this document. But hey look, I’m writing! Typing out whatever initial thought pops up in my head is still writing.
And even though this post is a little disorganized and chaotic, I’m still further along than I would be had I not written at all.
I just need to show up. I don’t need to show up perfect or at my best. I just need to fucking show up. That’s what matters.
I can edit or refine things later. But I can’t do that if I don’t show up in the first place.
Although, I’m not going to revise this. I’m going to start making this a daily (Tuesday-Thursday) “class assignment.” To write whatever unfiltered thoughts and unedited sentences I conjure up from 9:30am-10:45am. (I might post it, I might now! Because hey, boundaries!)
And simply allow myself to show up as my authentic self. Not the masked version that over-analyzes and scripts everything I say, calculates everything I do, and pushes down the “flawed” parts of myself. Even if/when I’m the only person I’m showing up for. And sometimes that’s the hardest part. It’s so easy to keep promises to everyone else and break the ones to yourself.
You can show up as you are, you’re already enough. You just have to show up.