June Journal

June 11th, 2023 – 1:58pm

Whoops! Missed a few days of posting, but I don’t really give a shit.

Because ya know what! Sometimes I don’t feel like writing, despite it being something I enjoy so much that I’d call it my “passion”. Except I won’t call it that. Because I think once you call something your “passion”, you subconsciously put pressure on yourself to be “perfect” at it. And then here comes the dreaded “imposter syndrome” if you aren’t. It becomes a task. And then duh! You stop enjoying it. And you might even begin avoiding it because you’re terrified of fucking it up. And that’s sad! Because something you loved became something you fear. You don’t need to force your own suffering by setting all these unattainable expectations for yourself. And I think this pressure to be perfect stops a lot of people from pursuing what they love. Because failing is scary. So scary that you tell yourself you’ve already failed, that you “can’t” do it. Before you even try. Or at least that’s how I feel about the term “passion”, and that’s why I don’t use it!

“What’s your passion?” I don’t know dude, I have multiple interests at various points in my life. Why do I need to restrict myself to one interest for the rest of my life? Why can’t I just do what I love and give myself the freedom to not only allow whatever that may be to change but also allow myself to go back to it whenever I desire? You can simultaneously love something while also wanting a break from it. And that doesn’t mean you love it any less. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure. That doesn’t mean you quit. You can always go back to it. Space is healthy, you don’t need to suffocate yourself with it in order to prove yourself.

Anyway, I’m once again starting the monthly journal while we’re already a week into it. And that’s probably because I started last month and this month not home/out of town. And when I’m not home, I feel like I’m in another timeline or another life. I’m out of my routine. Like, I’m used to writing in my room, in my home, in the city I live in. It feels wrong to do it in some random hotel room in an entirely different state.

And ok yes, I did leave town again on short notice. This time, to my parent’s house in my hometown. For a few reasons.

One, this gloomy weather in LA sucks major ass. 65 and cloudy? Everyday? An absolute vibe killer. I miss the sun. The sun is my friend. Oh, the sun isn’t out? Well, neither is my will to live! Neither is my energy or desire to be an active participant in the outside world! Maybe slightly dramatic. But I am a plant, and without the sun I will simply wither away. And the weather in my hometown is 80 and sunny! So obviouslyyy, I’m going there since LA’s acting up.

Two, I wanted to visit my parents and dog! I love them more than anything and anyone in the world, and that’ll never change. I was never super close to them growing up. When I was in high school, my mom and I would get into screaming matches. And ok fine, I have no shame in admitting this, but I went to see a reiki healer for the first time a few months ago, and she could tell I had a wounded relationship with my mom because she could sense the trauma stored in the left side of my body. Something like that, I don’t know how it works. But, either way, she knew I had mommy issues without me ever mentioning my mom! Regardless, the type of relationship you have with someone isn’t permanent. You’re allowed to grow, forgive, heal those wounds, and repair the relationship. And now, my mom and I are super close. I mean, it’s not like I tell her every single thing that happens in my life and run to her with my problems. Because that’s not something I feel the need to do with anyone, and I’m pretty sure that’d make us both uncomfortable. But like, we’re actually able to joke about things now. We can have genuine interactions and conversations that don’t end up in flames. Anyway, I wish I could see them more, but we live across the country from each other, and they’re a bit older, so I don’t want to burden them with the task of navigating the shitshow that is LAX. So when we want to see each other, I’m the one traveling. Which I don’t mind, but the constant travel days and back-and-forth flying paired with the mess of delayed connecting flights can be a lot. But the fact that they keep getting older eats me up inside every day. Anddd, I don’t want to dwell or speak on that too much right now, because it makes me sad.

Three, umm I’ve avoidant as fuck. Feeling overwhelmed? Time to run away! Yay, escapism! Ok, so I’ve been avoiding someone, an acquaintance I just met, who asked me to hang out. And normally, I’d be open to it. But my gut was like, “heeyy, something feels off. I don’t think their intentions with me are that great.” And obviously, I’m not going to force myself to do something I don’t want to do, especially when I get a bad feeling about it. So no! I don’t want to hang out! And alright, I’m self-aware enough to know that any kind of confrontation or conflict makes me so uncomfortable that I will come up with a million ways to not deal with it. So, instead of saying no, I was like, “Oh sorry I can’t, I’m going out of town next week!” Because I see this person almost daily in passing because we frequent the same places. And in the past, when I’ve said no or rejected someone, they did notttt deal with it well. Like, they’d drive by my house and yell out the window, or they’d join the gym I go to, and figure out my workout/class schedule in order to confront/talk to me in person since I blocked them on my phone. It’s terrifying. Me being resistant to bluntly saying “no” is actually pretty rational. I’m just trying to protect myself! So I came up with an excuse instead. And it was a damn good excuse! I won’t be here so we physically cannot hang out duh! Like, the first two points I made for booking the flight home were my main reasons for doing so, but this third reason really sealed the deal.

Regardless, I had a grand ole time at home with my parents. I will say that most of the people in my hometown scare me and I didn’t want them to know I was there, so only my friends and family knew.

That’s also why I didn’t post at all on Instagram. Which felt fucking fantastic. Actually living and allowing myself to enjoy real life, spending quality time with people I love. Focusing on the present moment instead of a screen. These days, I reaaaally despise being on my phone. I’m finally loving my real life more than the one online. I used to use my phone as an escape from the real world, but now I’m using the real world as an escape from my phone. But that’s a whole rant for another day:)

June 14th, 2023 – 10:56am

I think accepting the fact that nothing’s permanent is crucial in maintaining your own sanity.

Without going into too much detail, because I have no desire to (I hate talking too much about things I’ve moved on from), I hit my lowest point this time two years ago. And when you spiral into that rock bottom, it feels nearly impossible to get out of. You’re so deep in that hole in the ground that you can’t see the light or anything other than what’s in front of you. Which is pitch-black, nothing but your current unwanted circumstances. Imagining the ways your life could improve feels nearly impossible. So impossible that it’s basically unreachable, so you come to the conclusion that how things are right now are how things will be for the rest of your life.

But two years later, I don’t even recognize that person anymore. That old version of myself in that hurt place couldn’t even fathom what my life would grow into. So much has happened in the past two years. None of which I could see or predict during that time. All the fun, exciting opportunities I’d be offered, the adventures I’ve go on or places I’d travel. All the amazing, genuine, kind and interesting people I’d meet, who I now call my friends. All the times I’d laugh until my stomach hurt, so overfilled with love, amongst people who I hadn’t even met two years ago.

And sometimes I lay in bed at night and think about how if I had ended my life back then, I would’ve cut myself off from ever discovering how good life would get. Of course that doesn’t mean I don’t ever have bad days now. Like no shit, everyone has bad days or weeks or months. Where they just feel down or unmotivated. It’s not like you “heal” and suddenly you’re now set on this “happy” persona for the rest of your life. No! We’re human. And it really bothers me when you have a day or week where you’re just not feeling it and someone’s like, “Oh but I thought you were getting better, I thought things were good now, I thought you were happy now”. That’s a reaaally illogical way of thinking, because you FEEL happy/sad. You aren’t happy/sad. Feelings don’t define you, and they aren’t who you are. Feeling sad doesn’t mean you’re this forever sad human being or that your life is now this downhill shit-show. Unless you’re a fucking robot, you can feel however you want, whenever you want! It’s not this permanent state you’re stuck in. You can feel happy one moment, sad the next, and that doesn’t mean you’re going backwards or losing progress. We’re human!

Oh you have all of these assignments due tonight? Ahh stressful! Feeling stressed! Oh no does this mean I’m now this stressed, overwhelmed, human being that’ll forever be consumed with even more stress for the rest of my life? But I just finished a yoga class and I should be so zen and clearheaded! Oh no I’m losing all this progress as a human being because I feel stressed about a stressful incident! You’re allowed to fucking feel however you want! It doesn’t say anything about who you are as a person, your life, your growth, etc. You’re just having a reaction to the world around you.

And that’s why it’s important to remember that nothing’s permanent. You’re allowed to change, your feelings are allowed to change, your circumstances have the ability to change. What your life is right now is just the present moment. It just feels like your whole life while you’re in it. That time two years ago, that felt like my whole life. The pit in my stomach, the hurt in my heart, the resentment I felt toward everyone and the world. People will always disappoint me! I will never trust anyone ever again! Everyone in this world fucking sucks and is out to get me! I couldn’t fathom my life becoming anything more than what it was at that moment. But that’s what that was, a moment. Looking back, that was just a moment in the grand scheme of things. My life did a whole 180, and it almost feels like I’ve spawned into an entirely new timeline/world because everything is so different now.

So if you’ve been feeling off lately, I know it’s difficult to imagine your life realistically becoming anything other than what it is right now. You’re allowed to feel anxious, sad, unmotivated, etc. But before you lose your last ounce of hope, remember that this is just a moment. It’s not the rest of your life. Bad things have happened in the past, and guess what? You overcame them, and good things happened after it too! Every time something bad happened in the past, your life didn’t become this perpetual occurrence of bad things. Plus, I’ve noticed that with every dip comes a spring back to the top. Sometimes at my lowest moments, I’m like, “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” And as cheesy as that is, it has always helped me. And ended up being true. Sometimes in life you’re forced to grow so you can be ready for all the better things coming your way.

June 21st, 2023 – 1:05pm

Ok I know I said I’d post every Wednesday and Sunday, buttt then writing started feeling like a chore. “Oh, it’s Sunday, now I HAVE to write. Now I have to force some semi-interesting thought out of me to express.” It stops feeling authentic, it starts feeling like a school assignment that I’m not passionate about. And see I don’t want it to become that, I don’t want to ruin yet another hobby. It’s like I’ve turned so many of my hobbies into work that now there are so few things I enjoy.

And nowadays, it seems like we’ve become obsessed with turning all of our hobbies into work. The second we start enjoying something, that thought of, “Hmm how can I monetize this?” subconsciously pops up in our heads. It’s like we don’t allow ourselves to simply enjoy doing something if it’s not “productive” in a way that’ll eventually give us some external value in return.

This obsession with productivity. All the “Productive 5AM Morning Routine” vlogs, the “That Girl” trend, the “How to Optimize Yourself and Your Life” tutorials. And it’s like, holyshit shut up!!! Can we just fucking relax for a second? No wonder so many of us are are experiencing burnout. Because even when we relax, we’re consumed by our anxious thoughts, beating ourselves up for not being “productive.” We’re HUMANS, not machines. We shouldn’t be working all of the time! Our bodies aren’t built for that. And life is so much more than how much money we can make, how productive we can be, how to become our most optimal, efficient selves.

But letting go of this mindset feels nearly impossible. Because we’ve been fed it our whole lives. The second we’re able to speak and form sentences, we’re asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Being born 5 years ago and already being pushed to think about our careers and what value we can add to the world. Because you alone aren’t enough. You alone don’t have value. Your value is determined by your job and what you can do for the rest of us. Which is fucking insane. And also, so many of the jobs that exist today didn’t even exist when I was 5. Our whole lives are revolved around working. We were asked, “What do you want to be?” instead of “Who do you want to be?” It’s all about what you can produce for the world. You? What do you want? What will make you happy? Oh wow, you really excel in this subject at school, you should join a career in it’s correlating field! So it’s no surprise that the majority of us neglect our own wellbeing and why feelings of unfulfillment are so universally prevalent.

We’re all fucking tired. Or at least I am. What do I even enjoy doing now? Because I’ve ruined so many of my hobbies by monetizing them. And now it’s difficult to even enjoy doing any of the very few hobbies I have left without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt thinking, “Ugh I’m wasting time, I could be doing something more productive right now”, “What’s the point of doing this? I’m not gaining anything more than enjoyment from this.”

And I don’t want this to come off as some ungrateful complaint because that’s not what this is. I’m simply expressing my opinion that life shouldn’t revolve around work or about monetizing our entire soul and everything we do. Neglecting our wellbeing, minimizing our time spent with family and friends to focus on work. I just don’t think life was ever meant to be this way, that’s all.