I Don’t Want to “Hop on a Call”, I Want to Stop Pretending

My opinion of the modern world is that the majority of what’s expected of us in life is unnecessary, overcomplicated bullshit. I respond to most of life’s demands with,”What. Why. This is all so stupid.”

And fine! I do nitpick the hell out of everything! But what bothers me is inauthenticity. Anything excessive or performative irks the fuck out of me. (Not talking about movies or actual performances. Obviously!) Like, why must we have such a roundabout way of doing and saying things!

The world demands so much more of us than what’s ACTUALLY necessary. Almost as if its intentions are to burn us out and run us to the ground until we have nothing left to give. And no more life we have the energy to live.

Too often, life feels like we’re all just playing pretend. Like, we’re all kids performing in an amateur grade school play. Pretending to be professional, mature adults who know what we’re doing and what we’re talking about. We’re just copying what we see in movies. Because really, none of us know what the fuck we’re doing or what the lines we’re reading even mean. They just sound adult-ish. Internally, my brain’s a never-ending scroll through a Word Document that reads, “????”

Was there an “adult” switch that went off in everyone’s head when they turned 23 or something??

Not in terms of “growing up fast” due to traumatic events. Like, I mentally and emotionally became an adult at 13 from that. Yay PTSD! (Please don’t be insufferable by turning this into some weird trauma competition).

I’m talking about adult jargon and behavior.

Like, why do I feel like shit about myself whenever I’m not working or doing something “productive”? When I’m doing anything that won’t give me some kind of external or monetary reward in return?

Why do I feel guilty, like I’m wasting time whenever I’m relaxing or having fun? As if joy isn’t as valuable as money? Why do I have to do “adult” things all the time? Why can’t I do the things I enjoyed as a kid? When did the joy I used to get from playing outside on my swingset, brushing my dolls hair, drawing and coloring in sketchbooks, making up fictional worlds to fantasize about, ever go away? Was it ever supposed to?

Why am I subconsciously coming up with ways to monetize a new hobby the second I begin enjoying it? Why am I being pressured by the Youtube algorithm to have a million side hustles and passive incomes? Why do I feel like I’m falling behind the moment I take a break from “hustling” or researching ways to “optimize” myself and my life?

Why can’t who I am now and what I’m doing now be enough? Why can’t this moment be enough? Why do I have to always be thinking about the future? What if I don’t even make it to the future? Then what’s the point of any of this? Of forcing myself to suffer now in order to have a “good” future, if I die in a car wreck tomorrow?

And why do I need to use all these big fancy terms when I talk? Why do I need to edit and rearrange my thoughts into an eloquent sounding script before I say them out loud? Is this how everyone sounds in their head? With perfectly worded thoughts? Because personally, my brain’s a hot scrambled mess, and my thoughts don’t even form full sentences most of the time!

If we’re at an art gallery and I ask whoever I’m with, “Hmm do you like this one?” in reference to the painting in front of us. What I might hear is, “Well, I admire the composition of lines and the artists meticulous use of impressionist influences. However, I find the earthy texture and use of gradient pattern a little incohesive.” And in my head I’m like, “HUH?? There is no way those were your true initial thoughts in your head! There is no way you actually think THIS formal! Just say you don’t like it ohmygod that’s all I asked!! You just wasted an extra 15 seconds of our time and I barely even understood what the fuck you just said!”

But I get it. Because you don’t think saying “No I just don’t like it, idk why” is good enough. So you’re like, “Ugh, now I need to come up with things to say that’ll make me sound competent in this bland ass art gallery full of rich people with boring taste right now.” So you use the sentence structure you hear from the rich people with boring taste around you and fill in the blanks with aspects that pertain to this particular painting.

It’s a big fat waste of breath just to sound like everyone else instead of saying how you really feel.

It’s inauthentic. And that’s the shit I hate. Why can’t you just say how you feel? Why does it need to be revised to sound a certain way? A kid who’s being completely honest and saying how they truly feel wouldn’t say what you just said. See? Adult jargon!

In the adult world, connecting becomes networking. Valuing time spent with someone ONLY if they can benefit you externally. Because simply getting to know someone, forming a genuine connection with another human being is a waste of time. Texting them, “Hey! I’d love to get lunch and pick your brain a bit, let me know when you’re available!” First of all, don’t EVER say that shit to me. And two, what the fuck do you mean “pick” my brain? The whole concept of someone trying to “pick” my brain pisses me off. Go the fuck away and leave me alone you parasitic freak! Stop trying to get things out of me solely for your benefit! What? You can’t just simply hang out with someone? Again, inauthentic adult bullshit!

Oh, and hanging out. No one ever just hangs out anymore. It all has to serve a purpose. We can’t just simply sit around and do nothing in each others presence anymore. Do you know how enjoyable and peaceful it is to lay down and scroll on your phone next to someone who is doing the same exact thing? No pressure to fill the silence, entertain, or make sure they’re having a good time. That’s not enough anymore.

These days, hanging out consists solely of exchanging life updates and information at lunch. Are we even having fun? Because I feel like I’m at an interview with someone who signed up to be my friend. This feels stressful. And honestly, I’ve just been chilling. Like, I have no new life updates. Do I need to start doing things I don’t want to do in order to obtain life updates to exchange the next time we hangout? Because if I have nothing new to tell them, then they’ll be bored. And I need to provide entertainment value right? Because simply hanging out isn’t enough. So again, we have to add inauthentic adult bullshit to it.

Also, what’s with the whole “Let’s hop on a call this week! My availability times are listed below!” in emails. Why the fuck do we need to hop on a call? My question could be answered and the entire matter resolved in one brief email. At most, two email exchanges to clarify anything. Why do I now need to schedule and make time for an allotted hour this week? An ugly blip in my routine! And NOW I’ll be stuck in waiting mode all Tuesday morning and afternoon (and probably all of the days leading up to it too) in anticipation for our call at 2pm. (I have ADHD and “waiting mode” is actually a thing, I’m not making up excuses!) But again, it’s excessive and unnecessary adult bullshit.

Pre-pandemic, people with office jobs were expected to commute to work everyday to do their job. Despite being able to do it at home. And they’ve proved that! The pandemic happened, and office jobs became work from home jobs. They still worked! The whole going into work ordeal proved completely unnecessary. All this wasted gas commuting back-and-forth to go to this job in order to pay for said gas. All these wasted hours spent sitting in rush-hour traffic every morning and evening. Using the money from this job to also pay for childcare since no one will be home. (Which, by the way is not cheap! My entire life up until age 7 was spent at daycare because both of my parents worked full-time.) When NONE of it was necessary! It was all just a big fat performance to feel like adults!

In one semester of college, I had an unpaid (of course) internship where my only task was to TWEET for a local museums Twitter page. From my phone! Do you realize how simple and easy that is? Yet I was expected to drive 30 minutes every Thursday to the museum to sit at a fucking desk and post Tweets from my phone. Oh, and I had to pay $8 for parking. And then make the 30 minute commute back home. Are you kidding me? I could literally do this at home! And I had a part-time retail job to go to as well. One that actually made sense for me to physically be at. One that was paid. But I couldn’t work on Thursdays! My broke ass college student self couldn’t make money on Thursdays! Why? Because I had to sit at the museum for five hours after class to post three Tweets from my phone and PRETEND to work the rest of the time to fill my resume with “experience”. Again, unnecessary adult bullshit.

Like, who came up with all this? Was their goal to make everything more difficult and unenjoyable than need be? Because “that’s life!” and “that’s just how life is!” And we’re supposed to not question it and accept it? Fuck off! There’s NO reason life has to be this complicated or difficult.

Why must we put ourselves through hell in order to be considered valuable members of society? Why do we find it necessary to make life as miserable as possible? What the fuck are we trying to prove?

I’m so over this whole adult pretend bullshit. I don’t care to convince the world how mature of an “adult” I am if I’m required to exchange my sense of joy in return.

No more hopping on calls, “picking” my brain, deciphering peoples wordy, disingenuous sentences, hanging out if it feels like a chore, being places I don’t need to be. Life’s long, but not long enough to spend it wasted on unnecessary, inauthentic bullshit.