I love routines. But every few weeks, I’m suffocated by them.
Sometimes I’m misinterpreted as this super spontaneous person because I live freely and do whatever I want when I want. But in reality, I’m so much of a planner that I begin most mornings (or the night before) writing out and color-coding everything I’m doing that day by the hour on my iPad. And don’t get me wrong, I still do whatever I want when I want. But I’m always planning it in the back of my head, ruminating on the idea days beforehand. I just don’t tell anyone because I hate telling people things. I don’t know why but I feel this need to be secretive about things I’m planning until I actually do them. Which I imagine can be frustrating to my friends and for sure my mom, because I’ll be like, “Oh btw, I have a cat now!”, “Oh btw, I broke up with this person a few weeks ago!”, “Oh btw, I’m moving across the country next week!” I think I give off the vibe that I just do things without thinking, but who the hell do you think I am? I am the fucking queen of overthinking everything in my life.
Spontaneity stresses me out. Let’s say I’m at dinner with someone. And in the middle of it, they’re like, “Ooh! I just got an invite to this party at my friend’s house! Let’s go!” My brain’s immediately sent into overdrive coming up with a million viable excuses to not go. Because first of all! I didn’t plan for this!
Whenever I’m about to do something, I envision how it’ll go in my head. And before I left my apartment to go to this dinner, I looked up the menu online so I could visualize myself eating each item on it, and then choose the one I picture myself enjoying the most (bolognese pasta duh!) so that when I get to the restaurant I already know what I want. Ordering it when the server comes, enjoying the rest of dinner with my friend, and then going home, taking a shower, changing into my softest fleece pj’s, being horizontal for the rest of the night in bed, watching a movie until I peacefully drift off to sleep so I can wake up at 7 am tomorrow morning, go to yoga class, and have a super productive day.
But this stupid ass party is going to derail my entire life! Because now instead of going home, I have to go to this random person (who probably gives off vibes that make my skin crawl)’s house, where I’ll probably end up drinking even though I don’t drink because I’m trying to relax myself in this stranger’s house because I’m uncomfortable as fuck because hello! I’m in a stranger’s house around a bunch of sweaty strangers (whose names I’ll forget within 5 seconds), forced into boring conversations I’ll be on autopilot in “What! Oh my gosh that’s amazing!” “What no way! Wowwow you’re just the coooolestt person everrr” over music (that’s an awful remix of this already lame song) so loud I’m surprised the neighbors haven’t filed a noise complaint yet. Overstimulated, so in an attempt to have at least a little fun, I’ll drink even more to drown out my thoughts about how much I hate this until I feel nauseous and revert back to my 21-year-old college self in my invincible 21-year-old body. On all fours in front of this stranger’s dirty toilet with my fingers down my throat forcing myself to vomit out this Tito’s Tequila from my body because it’s so pungent that my stomach can taste it. Not only that but when I finally get home, my sleep (if I even do fall asleep) will be awful because my head is throbbing and I’m stuck on this loop of feeling like I need to throw up again for the rest of the night. And then! I feel so awful the next morning that I can’t go to my yoga class, because 1) I have no energy from my lack of sleep and 2) I will throw the fuck up during the first Down Dog of class. And now tomorrow will be wasted, spent feeling like shit on my couch and trying to remember if I said anything weird the night before, instead of checking off any of the productive activities I had planned.
Now, that’s not to say I hate going out and drinking occasionally. Because every once in a while, I do enjoy that. It’s good to have some balance. What I’m saying is, I need to plan for it. I need to prepare for a weekend of drinking so that I can be like, “Okay, I’m not going to expect myself to do any tasks this weekend, I’m just going to relax and have fun.” That way I don’t wake up Sunday morning like “Ah fuck! I was looking forward to this yoga class, but now I have to cancel because my body feels like a 2-week-old bag of garbage.” Instead, I wake up on Sunday morning, still hungover as shit, but content with being unproductive, because I have no obligations to do anything.
Planning is vital to my well-being. And I also love having a routine. I enjoy my morning routine, my daily walks, my weekly workout classes at their same set times, my evening routine, etc.
But! I also get bored easily. By everything and everyone. It doesn’t matter what or who it is. I love routine, but I also love change. I neeeed change. A little spice in the plot that is my life. Constants eventually become suffocating. And it really isn’t about the routine or the person. I’m just someone who loves and embraces newness and change.
Like, my environment. I fucking love where I live. Out of all the places I’ve traveled to and lived, this one’s my favorite. People love to shit on LA but I’ve never been happier anywhere else. I will say that this is coming from someone born and raised in the midwest where I felt like an outsider my whole life. I despised it there. I had maybe 2 friends at most because I didn’t have anything in common with anyone and I always felt out of place. But here, I feel welcomed, like I actually belong here. I don’t feel like an alien. I don’t feel like people minimize me to my ethnicity. I feel like a normal, whole person. And I can be myself without fear of judgment. I mean, of course, there’ll still be judgment, you can’t escape that anywhere you go. But it’s like, if you judge someone for being themselves here, you‘re the weird one.
And then I think about life. How long life is. How many different lives I could live. And how badly I want to live them. I think you can simultaneously love your environment while also wanting to change it.
Like, let’s say you’re dating someone. And you really really love them. With your whole heart, more than you’ve ever loved anyone. And hanging out with them is your absolute favorite thing to do. Being around them lights you up, inspires you, and reminds you why life is worth living. But despite how amazing and fulfilling being around them feels, you don’t want to be around them every second of every day right? Because there comes a point where it begins to feel suffocating. And you need space. Not in a break-up way. But like, damn dude go do one of your hobbies and let me play Sims alone for a second. That doesn’t mean you don’t love them. That doesn’t mean you hate being around them. You’re this whole person, and there’s more to life and yourself than this person.
And also, I love exploring and trying new things. Which is why I love solo traveling so much. Some people want to choose one place, their perfect place, and settle down there for the rest of their lives. And that’s great! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Everyone’s different, so it’s stupid to expect everyone to want the same thing. Btw, that’s why I also DESPISE unsolicited advice to my core. Don’t give me advice! Don’t tell me how to live! I don’t want your life, and I don’t want the same things as you. Live your own life, you’re not entitled to anyone else’s. But anyway, I feel like I don’t have one perfect place. I feel like I have multiple perfect places. And they’re all perfect in their own ways. Beautiful in their own ways, if you will. Just like people!
And okay yes, I’m a flighty person, but ugh! There’s so much out there, and I’m itching to explore it! I’m privileged enough to be able to, so why would I restrict myself? It’s like, I moved here, got a taste of what it’s like, fell in love with it, simmered in it for a few years, ok cool! Now I’m ready to keep moving forward to the next thing.
Some days I wake up wanting a new life, new environment, new friends, new routines, new self. Not that there’s anything wrong with the current life I’m living. But sometimes when I get ideas that excite me, I’m like, “Well why the fuck not!” And then I can’t get it out of my head until I do it. “Should I try this new workout class?” “Should I go to this new restaurant for lunch?”, “Should I sign up for this pottery class?”, “Should I start writing on my blog again?”, “Should I move to this city I keep seeing everywhere (no really, is the universe trying to send me signs)?”
Well, am I able to? Yes. Then why the fuck not!
Do you think twin flames can be platonic? lol Every time I finish reading one of your posts, I’m always certainly convinced we are resonating at the same frequency of consciousness. It’s like we’re sharing parallel experiences on this same plane of existence. Your writing is relieving and reassuring to me brittany. So before anything, I just wanted to say thank you for always sharing. They say good writers are both their own therapist and patient. Ain’t that the truth haha. To me, routine is also a blessing. It gives me a better hold on mental stability and risk aversion. Routine helps build something meaningful in the long run. I’ve been diagnosed with panic disorder for a few years now and sudden changes or excessive spontaneity tend to trigger that skyrocketing heart rate, dilated pupils, and that relentless fight or flight response. All for seemingly no reason. When routine feels suffocating I try to remind myself that it’s impossible to live the same day twice. Planning is vital to me too. I plan my days the night before with bullet points and check lists. Sometimes I’m suspicious I only do this because it gives me a sense of control in my life. You know what I mean? Sometimes I’m jealous of the people who are like “I’m bored let’s go here, let’s go there, let’s do this.” It’s like “What??, I’m not mentally prepared for that.” I think by default my mind is designed to always account for contingencies and blind spots. Isn’t that annoying? I WANT to know what to expect, even if just vaguely. It’s a paradox isn’t it? A hindrance, but a benefit. But anyway, I’m not sure if you’ve studied spirituality, but i’m noticing you mark off mostly all checks of being a Lightworker. Being flighty is a trait associated with spiritual awakening. It’s intrinsic, developed, and refined. There’s a subconscious urge in Lightworkers to explore and discover because it would simultaneously nourish your soul and heal all those you encounter. Adventures are for accumulating holy moments. They’re like little encounters that enlighten your perception of the world. Like a little girl petting your dog thanking you on a solitary walk. Or like an old man sharing a war story of how he was terrified of killing an enemy soldier, but did it anyway. I believe all those random moments are meant to be encountered to enrich us in some way even if only in retrospect. Routine is the foundation for stability and exploring is for sharing what we know and growing from what we’ve learned. There’s always someone out there wondering what it would be like to know you. And deep down I believe it’s all for a reason. As long as you have the capacity to admire the little miracles that are sprinkled throughout your days, then you can be reassured your heart, mind, and soul are all in rhythm. As cliche as it sounds, life SHOULD be lived to the fullest, whether routine or not. Like Bukowski said, “We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.” Take care and see you on the next post!