“First impressions matter!” …to who? To me? Maybe if I was a dumb bitch who couldn’t fathom the fact that people are multi-dimensional then sure!
Do people stress the importance of first impressions because they actually think that way or because they believe they should?
I think most of the phrases people toss around on autopilot are bullshit beliefs that only sound “right” in theory.
“Love is blind”…is it though? Because sure, I can have chemistry with someone regardless of how they look. But do I want to fuck them? Am I expected to settle for bland sex that I’m forcing myself to enjoy just because we get along?
No, see, I’ve already lived and learned through that! I’ve dated people I had to convince myself to be attracted to despite cringing every time they were on top of me. “Wait, no see they’re kind of hot now when they turn a certain way? I’m sure they’re hot to someone right now? I just need to try a little harder to alter how my eyes see them. Ugh! I’m too focused on trying to be attracted to them that I’m basically not even in my own body right now. How much longer can I pretend to enjoy this in a way that seems realistic so they don’t presume I’ve just faked it?”
And then after college, I began dating people I was actually physically attracted to. Naturally. Without the work of writing a 5 page thesis in my head of why I should be attracted to them. And HOLYSHIT. Turns out my body isn’t broken and I can enjoy sex?? I was like, “Oh my god, wait maybe I’m not heartless? Because being attracted to this person on a non-platonic level feels effortless??” Love isn’t blind!
If we have amazing chemistry, cool! That doesn’t mean we need to fuck or seal our fate in some government-issued document to lock ourselves in together for the rest of out lives!
Is the idea of being friends just so difficult? Can you really not wrap your head around the idea of simply bonding with someone without receiving some physical benefit you want out of it in return? Why do we either have to awkwardly be strangers who pretend they don’t know each other from here on out or be in a whole ass romantic commitment? I have chemistry with my friends, but I don’t want to fuck them! You can get along with people without forcing a romantic connection. If romantic love has to be forced in any way, that doesn’t seem like true love, and I want no part of it!
Now, back to the initial “first impressions” bullshit. Whenever someone’s like “Omg first impressions are soo important.” I start thinking about my first impression of someone important in my life. And honestly, most of time time I either don’t remember because it’s so irrelevant to me that I never valued it enough to let it linger in my head. Or I just don’t form an impression in the first place. Or maybe how I see them now is so wildly different from my first impression of them that I’ve forgotten it.
The only time I do remember a first impression is if someone does or says something catastrophically insufferable or awful. Like, if one of those TikTokers were to run up to me in public with a camera shoved in my face, regardless of the question they’d ask, I’d be like, “AH! Jumpscare! Get the fuck away from me??” Because one, that shit it so invasive and disrespectful. And, two, the action of you running up to me out of nowhere unexpectedly like this when I’m here minding my own business just triggered my fight-or-flight! Like, my evolutionary adaptation is telling me I’m about to be attacked and need to defend myself! That’s when a first impression would matter. Because then, my brain’s like, “Ew! Protect yourself from this person! Stay away!”
But, let’s say I meet someone. And they stumble over their words or overshare. And then later get hung up on believing they’ve fucked up by embarrassing themselves. This happens a lot when I meet someone while they’re drunk. I don’t drink, so I’m usually less likely to say or do anything “regrettable” since I have more control over my actions. So maybe they overshare or reveal a thought they had been suppressing to me. And the next day, they wake up anxious, telling me, “Oh my god I’m so sorry for being weird last night!” And then they spend the rest of the day remembering and replaying all the “cringey” things they might’ve done or said. Apologizing for new things they remember because I guess they’re trying to fix whatever perception I might’ve created of them.
But they shouldn’t! Because I didn’t form a whole, concrete perception of them in the 2 hours they spent talking to me last night. I know the thoughts they shared with me, but I still don’t know them. I don’t perceive them as a “weirdo” just because they overshared. I don’t perceive them as a “messy alcoholic” just because they were drunk. Because I know there’s more to them than just that first encounter.
I don’t really form “first impressions”, I let people create themselves in front of me over time. I don’t form an entire perception on the “type of person” they are from one encounter.
Oh, they did and said this one thing! Therefore, that means they’re THIS type of person, and I can accurately assume and fill in the rest of the blanks about who they are as individual!
And that’s the issue. TYPE of person? You’re just putting people into categories as a way of understanding them. But you’re not really understanding them. You don’t know who they truly are from one interaction, one first impression. You know one “version” of them, if you can even call it that.
But most people aren’t made up of just one version of themselves. Most people are multi-dimensional, with characteristics that don’t all have to “line up” together or “make sense”. Which is why you can’t put them into boxes and let those boxes define them.
It’s easy to fall into the thought process of, “Oh, this person likes playing video games. Therefore, they’re either a huge dork who’s into nerdy things like Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Or they’re a lazy loser who’s probably unemployed because they don’t care about themselves or their life.” And it’s like, no…they just like playing video games. They aren’t a “video gamer” type of person, they’re a person who likes playing video games…and who probably likes other things as well. But you haven’t discovered those sides of them yet, because you just fucking met them!
First impressions are pointless because most of the time they’re inaccurate.
Let’s say you’re driving and you hit a four-way stop. It’s your turn to go, but the person on your left cuts you off to go instead. You think, “What the fuck! This person is an entitled, selfish piece of shit!”
But then, let’s say, in another instance, you’re at home. And you receive a call from the hospital that your mom just got rushed to the emergency room. And of course you immediately want to be there for her and ensure she’s okay. So you fly out the door, jump into your car to get to the hospital as soon as you can. So you speed down the road and hit a four-way stop.
But you’re too frantic, overwhelmed with anxious thoughts about worst-case scenarios regarding whether or not your mom’s okay. Your brain too overflown with anxiety to think straight enough to know or remember if it’s your turn to go at the four-way stop yet. But you neeeed to get to the hospital. So, in a panic, you mistakenly go when it’s someone else’s turn. And they think, “What the fuck! This person is an entitled, selfish piece of shit!”
But you’re not, you’re far from it! But that’s how this person now sees you because that’s their first impression of you. And wouldn’t it be so inaccurate and unfair of them to keep you in this box titled, “selfish, entitled piece of shit”? This is all you are. This one “version” of you is your entire character, and there’s no changing it!
And I can think of a multitude of people with varying perceptions of me.
I’ve had people tell me I’m standoffish or quiet just because I didn’t talk or share as much the first time they met me. When the truth is that I was just tired as fuck and didn’t have the energy to be as present socially. But if they’re making assumptions about my entire character this quickly, then it’s most likely they had an insufferable vibe that I didn’t trust and was, therefore, smart enough to not let myself open up to.
Someone else might assume I’m outgoing or crazy just because a rush of sentences and questions funneled out of my mouth faster than what any cohesive thought could keep up with the first time they met me. When the truth is that I had just downed 3 scoops of preworkout and felt like I had just snorted a line of coke. (This is not me promoting drugs!)
But see, I’m not either/or of any of those things! Maybe I’m both! Maybe I’m all that and more! What I’m not, is one “type” of person. No one is! Unless they’re a rare, boring, one-dimensional specimen. Using first impressions as an end-all be-all, ultimate character-defining tool isn’t all that logical or reliable.
And…I’ve noticed that people are rarely ever who they truly are when you first meet them…A lot of the time, the first version people show you of themselves is just a mask they’ve curated.
Because I’ve met a ton of people who displayed a caring, kind, and generous nature upon first meeting them. Only to later find out that none of it was genuine. But instead, divisive tools they used as an attempt to get something out of me. I say “attempt” because I’ve become a pro at seeing past bullshit facades before they can use them against me:)
First impressions are almost always lies. So why would I ever place a significant amount of value in something that can be so deceitful?
And if you’re going to form a first impression, at least allow it the leeway to change. Or else, you’ll be confined to seeing someone only one way. The way you want to see them. The way they were when you first met. And that won’t get you too far. Or at least anywhere you’ll want to stay.