Hey I Need to Tell You Something

Here’s my truth.

Sometimes I think, I would love to fuck off completely and live a simple life. Away from all the excess bullshit of the outside world. But preferably within walking distance to my closest friends and family.

Whether it be in a cottage somewhere in the countryside, a one bedroom apartment in the city, a bungalow by the beach. Whatever I prefer at the time!

My preferences can change whenever. But what won’t change is the fact that the only things I truly care to have in life are meaningful relationships/connections, good health/mental wellbeing, safety and security (physically, mentally, financially, having my needs met, etc.), and having the freedom to be whoever, go wherever, and do whatever I want.

I don’t care to be a part of the rat race, move up some career ladder, attain a certain level of fame, make some insane amount of money, attend crazy social events, etc.

Which kind of contradicts the fact that posting to social media is what I do for a living. And irresponsibly, something I’ve been neglecting. It’s funny, there’s a tendency to assume that when someone ghosts social media for a bit, they’re “going through something” or that something bad happened. Sometimes I receive messages like, “Where have you been??”, “Are you okay?!”.

As if social media posts are proof of someone’s existence. When, ironically, the less I’m posting, the more I’m living. The more I’m present in real life because I’m not on my phone. I hate being on my phone. Which is why I’m a horrible texter.

And I used to love posting. I loved sharing and connecting with others.

And I still do love sharing and connecting with others. But I’ve also been enjoying my privacy. Keeping my personal life more private, sharing it with just those who are in it.

I still love my job. I’m grateful for it, and I’m grateful for everyone who has shown me love and support throughout the years.

Ok I sound soo dramatic. But this isn’t me declaring that I’m going AWOL and leaving the internet. I’ve taken a lot of time away from social media. Which was much needed. But it is my job. And I know I need to start posting again.

But I just wanted to let you know that even though I’m a little more private about my personal life, I’m still here. I just feel a lot better now than I did three years ago when I was posting every day, sharing every thought the second it popped up, giving play-by-plays of my day, etc.

Not for external validation, but because maintaining a connection with my followers is part of my job. And how do you form connections? By showing vulnerability.

But as much as I value my job, I value my happiness more. Whereas, before, it was the other way around. I used to post my mental breakdowns. I don’t anymore. That’s not to say I don’t have them anymore. Of course not! I’m human. But, most days, I do feel at peace. I just don’t care to prove my happiness or how much fun I’m having to social media.

The simpler my life is, the happier I am. And, unfortunately, a simple life can come across as a “boring” life to those who aren’t the ones living in it. There’s less conflict and plot twists. Which makes it a little less entertaining to watch than, say, a drama-fueled reality tv show where the viewer is constantly anticipating what’ll happen next.

I’m still here, and I will start posting to Instagram and other social media again. This time, with a more balance approach between what I choose to share and what I choose to keep private. Figuring out a way to continue posting, connecting, and sharing with you guys in a way that I love, and still be somewhat entertaining/interesting, without trading my mental wellbeing in return. That’s all.

Anyway, if you’re still here, thanks for seeing me as human and not some 2D content creating machine who only exists on the internet. I appreciate all the love and support you’ve shown me over the years. Which sounds like such a generic thing to say. But the gratitude I feel for you being here is so much more insurmountable than what I could put into words. Like, words aren’t capable of accurately describing how grateful I am for you.

So, thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for existing. I share a lot about mental health, so I hope that, in a way, I can be here for you too.