“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing”
Really starting off this post with a Sylvia Plath quote, is it concerning to find her soo relatable?
No but really, that quote speaksss to me. Yells, even.
I feel like there’s so many lives I want to live and types of people I want to be. But at the same time, I don’t care to exist at all.
I find myself conjuring up these dream lives, ideal scenarios, getting excited about manifesting them into reality. Like I have a list in my journal of EVERYTHING I want for myself.
But see I have a VARIETY of dream lives. Different flavors of lives, if you will. And maybe that’s because I’m scared of commitment, so it’s nearly impossible for me to pick one. And I could see myself thriving in all of them, each in its own away.
Sometimes I wake up and ask myself, “Hmm! Who do I want to be today? Do I want to be the cool, mysterious, slightly standoffish, extremely guarded, “hard to get” girl with really complex, interesting thoughts who sounds like the main character in every indie song ever? Or do I want to be the cute, bubbly, funny, easy-to-love, down to earth girl that’s like sooo agreeable and warm? Or do I want to be the career-driven, super independent, “I don’t do relationships” girl? Or maybe the free-spirited, flighty, loves traveling, carefree, “I don’t want to be tied down” girl?
I’d like to think I’m a mixture of them all. Although my exes would probably describe me as “a heartless bitch with a plethora of issues”. One did refer to me as a “heartless fucking bitch”, but at least he left out the “issues” part! Honestly couldn’t see him ever using the word “plethora” either!
Ugh it’s like…I’m in love with all of the possibilities I can experience.
But then it’s like ok?? I also have a blog where I talk about wanting to off myself half the time.
How and why do I want two seemingly opposite things at the same time?
And sometimes I think, maybe the real me doesn’t want to exist. That depressed bitch? That’s the real me. Maybe coming up with all these dream lives is simply my way of convincing myself that I do want to be here. Or vice versa. Maybe the real me wants to live, wants to experience all these dream lives so badly, but is so overwhelmed by choices that I end up choosing none of them at all.
And that’s valid as fuck.
Because decision-making overwhelms the hell out of me. A lot of the times when I’m pressured to make a choice, I’m like, “AH! This is too much! I don’t know!” and run away to avoid making a decision.
I want everything and nothing.
And I find myself being so stuck and confused about what to do with myself that I fall into the habit of waiting around for something to happen instead of being proactive.
I do not know! To be continued?
