Hey…I know it’s been a while, again.
In all honesty, I haven’t been on this blog since a little after writing my last post. Because every time I’d get on, I’d see that post. And every time, I’d be reminded of the summer I so badly want to forget.
The never-ending stress that woke me up everyday, the unhappy thoughts that I could never escape from, the fear that no one believes me, that no one would ever believe me, the inescapable loneliness.
That was the biggest thing. I felt so alone. I told no one about it when it was happening, so no one was there to help me through it. I had no support system, and I just felt really. fucking. alone. And truthfully, tired.
Just so tired of life. Tired of living. So tired of constantly giving so much of myself to people my entire existence. Always being there for people, caring for people, doing whatever I could to make others happy-even if that meant forcing myself to do things I didn’t want to do. And then at the end of the day, no one was there for me too.
It’s a weird feeling hanging out with people you think are your friends but then going to bed at night knowing that you’re actually alone and that none of the people you had just spent so much of your time with aren’t and won’t ever really truly be there for you.
So this summer I told myself I’d never let anyone get close enough to hurt me again. And I’ve just been doing things on my own ever since. Working out, taking pictures, watching movies, getting food, the normal things people do these days. And truthfully, I’ve enjoyed it.
There are days where I miss having people I’m close with, but it’s been nice not having to constantly worry about people fucking up things that you have no control over. It’s just you. You have full control. Over your decisions, your emotions, your life. No one’s there to persuade me or guilt me into anything. I hold all the power over my life, and I like it that way.
But anyways, I guess I’m mainly writing this post so that I have something else to see other than that my last post and it’s inescapable title every time I open my page.
I love writing even though I’m definitely not a “great” writer by any means. I find it really difficult to express myself verbally. Which is why I prefer taking pictures. It’s so much easier and comfortable for me to express myself visually.
So, I’ve decided to attach these monologues that really resonate with me and make me ~feel something~ every time I read or hear them. Credit goes to the genius, amazing, wish-i-could-write-this-well writers <3
This first one is from the show You from Beck’s character. This is my most favorite monologue ever. I’m not an emotional person, but this cut deep into my heart and made me cry the first time I heard it. I’ve never resonated with a monologue so much.
You used to wrap yourself in fairy tales like a blanket but it was the cold you loved.
Sharp shivers as you uncovered the corpses of Bluebeard’s wives. Sweeter goose bumps as Prince Charming slid one glass slipper over your little toes, a perfect fit.
But by the schoolyard, real princesses floated by you on fall winds. You saw the gulf between you and the rich girls and vowed to stop believing in fairy tales but the stories were in you, deep as poison.
If Prince Charming was real, if he could save you, you needed to be saved from the unfairness of everything, when would he come?
The answer was a cruel shrug in a hundred fleeting moments. The sneer on Stevie Smith’s face when he called you a fat cow. Uncle Jeff’s hand squeezing your ass in the Thanksgiving Kitchen. The accusation in your father’s eyes when you told him what happened.
From every boy masquerading as a man that you let into your body, your heart, you learned you didn’t have whatever magic turns a beast into a prince.
You surrounded yourself with the girls you’d always resented, hoping to share their power, and you hated yourself. And that diminished you even more.
And then, right when you thought you might just disappear, he saw you. And you knew, somewhere deep, it was too good to be true. But you let yourself be swept, because he was the first strong enough to lift you.
Now, in his castle, you understand Prince Charming and Bluebeard are the same man. And you don’t get a happy end unless you love both of him. Didn’t you want this? To be loved? Didn’t you want him to crown you? Didn’t you ask for it? Didn’t you ask for it? Didn’t you ask for it?
So say you can live like this. Say you love him, say thank you, say anything but the truth.
What if you can’t love him back?
The second one is from the show Bojack Horseman from Diane’s character. I think this one would hurt more if I had ever been in love, but honestly I never have. But this monologue is just so well-written that it makes me feel like I’ve just seen this theoretical love of my life be in love with someone else, and that shit hurts. Also, I really love the last line.
The real reason you go to Vietnam is you accidentally see your soon-to-be ex-husband kiss someone else.
At first you think, “Oh, it’s a fling; They’re drunk, it’s a party.” But then he puts his hand on the small of her back exactly the way he used to do to you. It means, “I’ve got you”, and when he did it to you it made you feel safe, and you realize he will never do that to you again.
And it breaks your heart again, after your heart was so broken that you thought it can never get any more broken. You thought it was safe but it still somehow finds a new way to break.
Because even though you’re the one who asked for this, now that you’ve got it, you’re completely adrift, with no compass or map or sense of where to go or what to do – so you go to Vietnam. You think you might find community, a connection to something bigger, but you don’t.
In fact, you feel even more alone before you left. But you survive, you learn that you can survive being alone.
Really enjoyed keeping up with your blogs. U see to work in family court in Jefferson County. Its not easy being a victim of domestic violence and you should regret not showing up. It happens a lot. Seeing your abuser is not easy especially in a room with strangers all looking at you. Keep your head up. This is probably the worst time in history for mental health. Its a scary place to be in your head alone.
Hi Brittany! I randomly found your blog and I must say something to you. You are not alone! There are many people who are going through the same stuff just like you. I understand your feelings very well because many times I was betrayed by my friends and even boyfriends. You are not only beautiful but also smart and that’s why low and weak people feel threatened by you. I cut all relationships with toxic people in my life and I was all alone. But that made me stronger and I found my worth so I don’t take any bull***it from people now. You are still very young and I’m pretty sure soon you will find “your” group of people who will cherish and appreciate you. Forget about those assholes who hurt you. They will continue to be miserable in life where you will be shining. You are amazing!!
Big hugs from Poland.
Diana
Hang in there love! You are not alone! Just hang in there as some of us are (:
More piwer to you! Priorities should always include yourself at the top of the pyramid
Good on you for sticking to it and staying strong. I just came from reading the other post and am glad to hear that you’re still pushing through!
Hey, i noticed that you wrote that it’s hard for you to express how you feel verbally but i feel as if you expressed how I feel about being/spending time alone perfectly. There were times where I was there for someone when they needed help like their car dying on the road or needing some cash when they were in a tight spot, or let them rant to me on phone calls. I was always there helping people I called friends even though it was inconvenient for me because that’s what friends are supposed to do right? But when i needed them to be there for me they would always flake or make excuses. I kinda just felt like that one friend in the friend group that’s just there just because. Now that I spend alot of time alone I kinda feel as if I no longer have to carry other peoples emotial/physical baggage on me, and I feel as if I realize I didn’t need those people as much as I thought I did & it was sort of harming my psyche to think that I did. I hope what I’m saying makes sense lol
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When will you get lonely?
I mean, I do what you do, I go out on my own, I go to the cinema alone, I shop alone and I laugh alone. There are times I wish I could look over at somebody to share what I’ve seen, that’s made me laugh. My silence is exhausting for me. The friends I do have, I feel like we’re just having the same conversations over and over again.
I ask myself quite often, “what will life be like without depression?” And I honestly can’t see anything. Friend groups don’t exist anymore for me. They exist for others, but I feel on the outside of everyone, and it feels that is always my place.
I’ve been on my own for a very long time. I spent 1 1/2 years with a dog as my best friend whilst abroad, and honestly the pain of missing her is almost too much for me to think about. I gave up my amazing job, sold my life and moved away because I was lonely. I failed to make any friends, and now I’ve returned, and nobody can understand how much of a failure I feel I am. I am so tired of being alone. I feel I’m trapped in a circle of living my painful memories as nobody new is asking me any new questions.
What worries me is I’m getting older. I’m 35, and honestly I don’t have any friends without kids. You don’t know how much they will change your life, but when you come back home from a night out with your friends, and you’re still buzzing with energy, you’ll ask yourself why you’re home. You’ll realise its because they had their kids to go home to/partners. You’ll soon realise that your time spent with your friends is dictated by others. It is not yours to command, and nothing you ever do will change that. Friendships loses value real fast.
If I go younger, I’m stuck in this weird communication error loop I’ve already figured out I’m never going back in. I can call you all kinds of names in person with a genuine smile on my face, and you’ll never be insulted as you can see the truth in my eyes, even as a stranger. In words, that’ll all be lost, and you’ll waste SO much time in your life trying to make people understand your words that you should have told them, but you wrote. I will never tell anyone something important in words that’d feel better for them in person. Better for them and you. You will never get a second chance to explain some things, but asking someone out, saying you love them, breaking up, if you can’t do that in person, then you’re not brave enough for a real relationship.
I’m done living a life online and in words off my head. I want to ask a girl out with my own voice without them justifying getting angry putting them on the spot. What happened to spontaneity? I want to feel nervous looking in somebodies eyes. I want my eyes to speak the truth and honestly of my intentions. You say you’ve never been in love, well, when you do and you say so, you’ll say it out loud, and it’ll feel scary as hell, but at the same time, you’ll understand, that was the only way. Life is scary. It’s filled with moments that will cause anxiety and panic and fear in you, but without them, life isn’t worth living. Why are we all so consumed with fear we must live our lives online and in words written from our heads to be misunderstood by others? Why has my sex as male been demonised by others, past experiences? I have to approach women like im walking across a frozen lake. If you can tell a lot by the way a person walks, then what does it tell you when they’re walking over thin ice just to say hello? Confidence? LOL
I can’t see a way out of this loneliness. Humanity and the language we use to communicate to each other has broken down into words without context spewed out by pressurised anxiety, through a keyboard. I want companionship in a real person that values, the most precious thing in the world you can give someone is your undivided personal time to them. Why is this so strange today? I don’t want to be alone.