Great news!!! The sun has come back and so has my will to live!!
I know people say this ALL the time, but it truly is insane how much the weather affects our mood. Seasonal depression hits hard. I mean, unfortunately, mine’s the all-season kind, because depression is like sooo obsessed with me. It just decides to get a little freaky (in a way I don’t enjoy) and suck the serotonin out of me a little harder in the winter.
But, ignoring those few weeks of LA being shit on by the most random, freezing rain storms (ok, not actually freezing, but let me be dramatic! It’s LA!), it’s finally beginning to warm up here! More significantly, we’re being blessed with extra sun time thanks to the occurrence of daylight savings two weeks ago. And this part is me not being dramatic, but the one-hour time change single-handedly brought me back to life. I can feel my soul returning to my body and my personality being revived.
I, without a doubt, do not thrive in the cold, dark (physically and mentally) winter months. And I have tried! But, the second our days were shortened by the time change in November, I immediately sunk into hibernation. I lost all energy, motivation, desire to socialize and see people, and feeling. I spent the months from November to February in the dark depths of my one-bedroom apartment, in complete isolation. Everything felt meaningless, and finding the point in doing anything felt nearly impossible. I disappeared from social media and avoided making contact with the outside world. I wanted to stop existing. Not necessarily in a suicidal way. But if I were, say, a Sim, I’d want to be deleted the way I delete all the ugly pre-made Sims. When I did see friends, like when we’d go out to dinner, my brain wouldn’t allow me to be fully there. The most I could do was sit back and observe the conversations happening around me as if I wasn’t there. Because even though I was physically there, mentally I was trapped in my head. I kept thinking, “Oh my god Brittany say something, you’re contributing nothing to the table right now and you’re going to lose your friends if you continue being a brick wall.” But no matter how hard I tried, my mouth wouldn’t move. It felt like the real Brittany was imprisoned in my body, repeatedly attempting to escape, only to get forcibly thrown back into its cell every single time. Needless to say, Winter was rough.
And then, by the good graces of weird societal traditions, daylight savings happened! It was like someone flipped on my “On” switch. The days became longer, and leaving my apartment after 4 pm felt easier. My brain rebooted as my energy was restored to my body. That probably explains why I’ve been writing consistently again. Feels strange saying this, but lately, I’ve been feeling really…good. The real me is finally free from months of imprisonment. My previously guarded and closed-off energy has now opened. And the resentment that’d take over my body every time I had to do something has been replaced with joy. I’ve been finding the fun in everything again, and life no longer feels like a prolonged suffering existence. And I really like who I’ve been lately. Of course, I love and accept every version of myself, but the one I enjoy being the most is the one I am now. This one actually lets me be kind to myself.
Not sure what the point of this post is, but I guess I wanted to document how good I feel right now. So that whenever I’m feeling down, I can look back and refer to this to remind myself that the existence of this version of myself is possible. And I hope I never forget that.
