Life/Health Update

Sooo long story short, I’ve been dealing with some health issues the past few months. Well, on and off for pretty much my whole life. But the past few months especially.

If you’ve been following me on social media for a while, you probably know that I habitually go through phases where I disappear for weeks or months at a time. And not just from social media, but from life too. Sometimes going months without seeing anyone. Not in a quirky anti-social way. Because somehow not leaving the house has become this relatable little behavior that people on social media are obsessed with identifying with and telling everyone in the world about. And fuck, I wish that were my case! Involuntarily missing out on life because of my health issues frustrates me to my core. It feels like I’m trapped, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t break free. Like, yes I do tend to avoid everything when I feel overwhelmed, and yes, I am an introvert who enjoys being alone and at home but wtf not every second of my entire life! Lacking that balance isn’t healthy. And sometimes I can physically feel my life deteriorating with each day that passes. Watching, from the sidelines, the days, weeks and, at its worst, months materializing right in front of me, unable to be a part of any of it.

As transparent as I am on here, I’m just not ready to explain what exactly the health issues I’m dealing with are. Maybe somewhere down the line I will. But not right now while I’m in the thick of it.

It’s been at its worst the past few months. Mainly this past winter. And it’s weird, because it comes in waves. December-February were some of the worst months of my life. But then March was one of the best months. Like, internally I had probably never felt better. I felt so full of joy, like my soul had returned to my body. I woke up each morning full of energy and excitement for life again. And my health issues were beginning to look like a thing of the past. And then, out of nowhere, they hit me like a ton of bricks.

Last week, I couldn’t leave my house once. I saw no one, spoke to no one. The people closest to me have zero clue I’ve been dealing with this. I haaate burdening people with my problems by making them worry about me. So I refrain from talking about them and, instead, write about them on here where it feels like I’m venting them into a void. It’s rare that I honestly tell anyone in my personal life about what’s happening in my internal world unless they specifically ask. And even then, I’ll brush over my issues and downplay them. Always ending it with, “But it’s okay! It’s not a big deal!” followed by a conjured up lie about how I’m getting better. It feels like every time before I leave my apartment, I put on this mask-this fun flirty vibrant little character. Pretending that everything’s okay, that I’m okay, in order to cover up my internal self that’s slowly dying. Literally.

Unfortunately, some things in life are beyond your control. Which is frustrating as hell. Especially for a control freak like me! Health issues? No! I’ll take every vitamin that has even a 1% chance of curing me, nourish my body with only the most organic, least processed foods, workout every single day, maybe even twice a day, spend my free time researching every possible treatment, track all of my habits and meals in an attempt to figure out possible causes of the issue, and do anything else I can think of until I burn myself out. But at the end of the day, I’m still be at the same place I started. And the only thing I can do is just accept the fact that I can’t control or fix every single thing in my life, no matter how hard I try.

Today, I feel a little better. This weekend I managed to leave the house to go workout at the gym (instead of following workout videos on Youtube in my living room) and even go to the grocery store (instead of pulling up Amazon Fresh to order groceries).

Again, it goes in waves. But I’m grateful I’ve been feeling a little better the past few days.

I know I said I’d post here Wednesdays and Sundays, which of course I’m still going to, but I also want to prioritize my health. So if I miss a day, that’s why. Going to post this one a day early.

So anyway, that’s why I sometimes take time away from posting. It’s not always because I want to. Because I do miss it a lot. But again, I have to prioritize myself and my health over social media. And a lot of the time, that requires disappearing for a bit.