It’s funny how wrong people’s perceptions can be. Occasionally, people assume that because of my job, I sleep around and go out a lot. Which is strange. Because although my job is entirely online, I do exist in the real world as well. Wow! What! A crazzzyyy concept! For some people, this statement can be soo difficult to understand, I know, but: the internet is not the same as the real world. It’s ok if you need a few days to process that. But presuming most of you reading this have enough brain power to conceptualize that, I’ll proceed. What I’m saying is, the assumption that my personal life reflects my job couldn’t be any more untrue. Because the truth is that I haven’t been sexually intimate with anyone in almost 2 years. (Not including a fun little makeout here and there hehe) All those times I mentioned how selective I am, I reaaaally meant that. Just because I can do something, doesn’t mean I want to or will. Because whyyyy would I do something (or someone) I don’t want to do. Thanks to the PTSD my childhood gifted me with, I’m super protective of myself, my energy, and my time. If I’m not interested, I’m not going to enjoy it! So I’m not going to force myself to.
I’ve always been free-spirited and confident in expressing my sexuality. Mainly because I don’t give a fuck and I think societal norms are and have always been stupid. Because why would you give some random person’s opinions that much power over you and your life? Who’s in control of your life? You or them? Don’t say them, that’s embarrassing. Maybe this is me being soo insane, but I think you should do whateverrrr you want as long as you’re not intentionally hurting anyone. DUH! I say “intentionally” because there’ll always be an insecure person who’ll be bothered by someone else’s lack of insecurity. And they should really work on that if they don’t want to be consumed by their own misery because I sure as hell am nottt going to do that for them. Anyway, being sexually confident doesn’t mean I go around fucking every person I know.
Being confident and introverted aren’t mutually exclusive. I’m not afraid to walk into a room full of strangers and strike up conversations. I’ve done that plenty. I mean, I moved to a new city across the country by myself, without knowing anyone, and now somehow have more friends than I ever had in my hometown. I’ll put in the effort and energy if I want to. And I don’t have any issues being seen or watched (in a non-stalker way obviously). I’ve always loved performing. I don’t mind being the center of attention. In fact, I fucking love it in most situations.
Being introverted is nottt the same as being shy. I’m not afraid of putting myself out there, but I also love being alone. I enjoy my own presence and hanging out with myself! One of my favorite characteristics about myself is how independent I am. Some might say a little too much. Because I guess being flighty and unattached are perceived as character flaws by anyone who has ever attempted to tie me down. But unfortunately for them, I’m not going to give myself away to the wrong person. I’ve done that in the past, and there’s nothing in this world that could force me to live through that again.
Being comfortable and feeling secure alone is an undervalued trait. I don’t feel the need to fill my life with people or situations that may or may not be good for me for the sake of feeling less empty. Ironically, your life can be filled with people, but if they’re not the right people, you might end up feeling even more empty than if you were alone. I’m selective about who I let in. And you should be too! Your energy is valuable, and not everyone deserves it. Being selective gives me the power to leave situations and people who aren’t good for me, without ever invalidating or second-guessing my intuition. Letting go is easy because I’m not “losing” anyone or anything. I’m never forced to act out of desperation, and I never feel the need to settle for less out of fear of being alone. I don’t fear being alone, I fear giving so much of myself to the wrong person. My time and energy wasting away on someone who doesn’t deserve it? Yeah no thanks!
And you’re also allowed to be selective about your experiences. Internally, I am a retired grandmother. I love staying in on weekends. And a lot of people my age who spend their weekends out are like, “But FOMO!! You’re wasting your youth!!” But I’m like…what exactly am I missing out on? Because I’m not particularly upset about “missing out” on rubbing up against sticky strangers at the musty bars you occupy. Senior year of college, my weekends were spent drowning my feelings of unfulfillment with tequila shots and stumbling around, half-present in the local bars that smelled like…well I don’t even know what they smelled like because I wasn’t sober enough to smell anything. And sure, I sometimes had fun. I think? I can’t remember. But I do remember feeling like shit. And personally, I don’t enjoy feeling that way! That’s not my idea of fun!
My ideal night consists of staying in, ordering takeout, and staying up until 11pm (still need my 8 hours of sleep without waking up too late the next morning), watching a movie or building my dream house in Sims. Not having to answer to anyone or worry about whether or not I’m being fun enough. Not stuck at an overcrowded musty bar, trying to understand what the sweaty person standing next to me is saying over the loud music that sounds like angry robot noise. Receiving huge whiffs of vodka soda from their hot (not “hot” as in sexy, but rather, in a humid undesirable way) breath with every word that comes out. The whole time wishing I was at home in my soft plush pj’s, with my teeth brushed and face washed, under the warm familiar feeling of my comforter, ready to open Netflix and press Play on the first semi-interesting movie I see in their “Trending this Week” list.
Staying in isn’t “wasting your youth” if that’s what you enjoy. Time spent doing what you love is never wasted. Wasting your time is voluntarily doing something you don’t enjoy, knowing you don’t enjoy it, for the sake of following society’s traditional ideas of “fun”. Stop being a follower! Again, do what YOU want!
I guess this was my semi-revealing, long-winded way of saying that FOMO is stupid. Protect your energy and do what feels right to you. If that’s going out every weekend, then do it! There’s nothing wrong with that. If staying at home is what you’d rather be doing, then do it! Without guilt. The only rules that exist are the ones that you let dictate your life. It’s your life, live it your way!
