TW: Fuck it. I was threatened by my ex for a year and here’s the story.

Hi peeps.

Where the actual fuck have I been for the past 4 months right?

A lot has happened. But basically the biggest thing is that I filed a restraining order against my ex boyfriend.

So let’s take it back to August of last year. This is when I broke up with him. On the drive home, he attempted to kill me by getting us into a car crash when I told him I didn’t want him to be in my life anymore. I had to tell him we could still be friends in order for him to stop the car.

For background, while we were together, there were multiple times I wanted to leave and end the relationship. I was so unhappy and miserable. I knew this wasn’t the person I wanted to be with. Whenever I’d bring up the idea of breaking up, he’d start arguing with me to not. So we’d stay together and I’d go home. And then when I’d see him the next day, he’d show me the cuts he had made on his arms after I had left.

And side note, I’m 1000% not shitting on people that self-harm. I take antidepressants, because I have major depression and PTSD. And I’ve self-harmed in the past as well. However, I’ve NEVER done it in a way to manipulate or guilt someone. So he has no fucking excuse.

I stayed friends with him out of guilt and literally being threatened. While we were friends, he remained possessive and demanded to know everything that was going on in my life. I was never really able to move on or talk to anyone new, because I was afraid he’d start verbally harassing and screaming at me like he did during the year and a half we dated.

In November, he found out I was talking to someone. Hadn’t even MET them. Literally someone I talked to from a dating app…because I was SINGLE. And had been for 3 months. He then lost his shit and told me to fuck off and that he never wanted to see me again. Which-great, right?

I was fucking terrified, because fewer things are scarier than your abuser being given even more anger & hatred toward you. After he found out, he drove by my house and yelled obscenities and threw my personal belongings onto the street. And sometimes he’d call me at 2am when he was drunk just to scream at me and call me a fucking bitch. Oh, and of course no one told him to stop. None of his friends told him to leave me alone. Because apparently I really am a fucking bitch for wanting to move on from someone that I ended things with 3 months ago.

Fast forward 2-3 weeks, he emails me. Because I had blocked his number. He profusely apologizes and swears he has changed and that he really does just want a friendship with me and that he’ll never attempt to pursue me romantically again. So, me being an absolute big-hearted idiot tells him we can be friends again.

And things were going fine. Up until April when he tells me that he’s still in love with me. So I was honest and told him I didn’t feel the same way back. And he SAID it was okay. Which was a big fucking relief.

But then in May, I started talking to someone. I hung out with this person one day. So obviously my attention was directed toward this person and not my phone right? Well my phone absolutely blows the fuck up with calls and messages from him, asking me why I haven’t been responding.

So I get that he’s freaking out, and that scares me. And I think back to every time he lost his shit in the past. So I lie and tell him that I’m at the park with my parents. So he says it’s fine but then he tells me to call him later.

I don’t. Because I end up spending all night with the person I’d been hanging out with. So I text him and tell him I can’t call him and that I’ll call him the next morning. And to my relief, he says okay.

The next morning, I call him and he asks me to hangout with him. So we go to a park, and he just keeps begging me to be 100% honest with him. So I told him I was hanging out with someone. And then something shifts. And he gets super defensive saying, “I know, I’m not stupid”, “Why weren’t you just honest with me yesterday??” “Why are you trying to hide things from me??”

Um, excuse me for being fucking terrified of telling you I was hanging out with someone other than you, because the last time you found out, that didn’t go too well. ALSO, why the fuck do I owe anyyyone every single detail of my personal life, ESPECIALLY when it doesn’t concern them? Why was I being guilted for hanging out with someone new when I had been single for almost a whole year.

He starts pouring out his feelings for me and telling me that the possibility of being with me is literally the only reason he wants to be alive. That everything he does is for me and for “our future”. That if he couldn’t be with me, then he’d want to die.

And I rejected him. Because I’m absolutely DONE with being guilted into sacrificing my happiness for the sake of others.

The next day, he sends me this extremely long message about how I don’t deserve to be in his life because I don’t love him back. That I’m not worthy, because I don’t want what he wants. And like fine whatever. That’s fucked up that anyone would ever try to guilt someone into a relationship though.

So we stopped talking.

And then 2 weeks later, he drunk texts me and verbally harasses me. He keeps telling me I’m a “weak person” for getting raped when I was 13 and for having depression. He keeps telling me I’m not “strong” like him. Which…sure Jan. And then I call him, which yeah I know, might not have been my best move. But hey, I’m human and I was fuuurious.

So he picks up and starts SCREAMING at me, telling me how weak I am. And every time I tried defending myself, he would start screaming again and telling me “shut the fuck up” “you’re a manipulative fucking bitch”, etc. Oh the IRONY. So he unleashes all his anger on me verbally and then hangs up.

Great, more anger from an already toxic and historically threatening person right? So I filed a restraining order.

A few weeks later, he gets a lawyer to try & drop the restraining order. And the hearing was July 6th. I didn’t go. This person’s energy makes me feel so fucking sick inside, and I never wanted to see him again. So how the fuck was I expected to defend myself, alone, while him and his fucking lawyer were going to be there telling me my reasons for wanting to be protected aren’t valid?

I’ve been told over and over again throughout my whole entire life that I’m unworthy. My feelings invalid, my fears invalid. That everything was my fault. That I asked for it. That I brought it all upon myself. I was already in such a vulnerable position. When you get beaten down so badly, sometimes you just can’t get up anymore. Sometimes you can’t fight back anymore. Because where has it led you in the past? Right back to the ground of feeling so invalidated and so unworthy again.

So yeah. I didn’t go. The restraining order against him got dropped, because I was too scared to defend myself. To stand there alone like I have so many times and look across the room at everyone who defends my abusive and controlling ex-boyfriend, my rapist when I was 13, my middle school bullies, etc and try to make them understand that what they did isn’t okay. That it’s not okay to treat me that way. To make me feel that way. That I deserve to have respect and feel safe too.

I’m sorry. I really wished this had a different ending. I wish I had the fight to show up to that courtroom alone and look my abuser in the eyes and defend myself. But I couldn’t.

I wish so badly that this could be an inspirational story. But I guess this is real life, and unfortunately life is really fucking unfair.

If you’re in a similar situation, please please please have the courage and the fight to do what I couldn’t.