Ok I know I wrote about how much I love having crushes less than a month ago. And I still stand by that!
But why are they so short-lived? Why do I lose interest faster than however long my attention span lasts on Tiktok? I want to stop losing interest! Well, maybe the interest is still there, but it isn’t strong enough to fuel the effort I’m willing to make. Do I get bored too easily? It seems like any slight pause in the momentum is enough to deter me from the tracks completely. I’ll be completely obsessed one day, heart beating a million miles a minute, a tsunami of euphoria pouring into my body, giggling like a maniac as I stare at my phone screen, falling asleep feeling godly and invincible, like nothing could ever hurt me, because at this moment I’m powerful enough to not only control the universe, but become the universe itself. I don’t even know what that means. Crushes just really do something to me. Like, I don’t even feel that way on shrooms. But then the next day I wake up, and I’m like,”Eh, idk!” And then the most I can do is “Like” their last message. My interest fluctuates the way glucose levels do in those charts that warn you about diabetes. Does anyone know what I’m talking about or am I just on the orthorexia side of Instagram?
And I know how shitty I sound! I know! But it’s not like I’m making the conscious decision to stop caring! And at least I halt the production before we’re deep in the trenches of vulnerability and feelings right? So I’m actually doing them a favor by dipping out after three weeks! My subconscious loves creating doubt and finding flaws. If they’re busy one day and can’t text me back, my brain responds by remembering, “Oh wait, you’re fine without this person. You don’t need them in your life the way you thought you did when you were balls deep in infatuation.” And then all those feelings of excitement I had before fade away. But I don’t want them to. Because usually I do still like this person. My body just can’t find the energy to put in the effort. Like there’s a resistance I can’t push past.
And other times, if I’m hanging out with someone a lot, I’ll subconsciously start coming up with ways to not like them. I’ll have what I believe to be the best day of my life with someone. Undeniable chemistry, immediate back-and-forth banter, same type of humor (an often overlooked but crucial aspect if you don’t want to spend half the relationship in anger from having to apologize for every tiny unserious remark you make). Like aww wow, we really are the only two people who exist right now! Fuck everyone else! Because you’re single-handedly fulfilling each and every one of my levels in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs<3 But then, as I’m driving home, I begin replaying everything they said and did, picking it all apart until I find that one slightly annoying thing. Repeating and analyzing it in my head, growing more and more irritated. Like, why did they ask, “So what do you do all day?” What did they mean by that? Do they think I do nothing all day? Do they think I’m just some loser with no interests or goals? Of course I’m grateful for how much free time I have, but that doesn’t mean I sit around, only getting up to lie on another piece of furniture in a different room as I continue scrolling through my phone all day! (at least not most days ok! I do things! do I have to post everything I do now to prove it to them??) Wow, fuck them for thinking that low of me!
See?? Do you see my issue?? My brain! Maybe…stfu?? Idk??
My theory is that I’ve fallen in love with being alone, and now I’m subconsciously trying to protect that love from anything that could potentially disrupt it. I end up perceiving everyone I have a crush on as a threat to my independence, my freedom, my inner peace. Ew wait, I didn’t mean to make that sound patriotic. I’ve only been in two actual relationships. Both during college. And in those relationships, they stole those things from me. I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel a little anger every time I remember that. How all they did was hold me back, how hard they tried to pull me beneath them, how they told me my dreams were unrealistic, how I should stay in our hometown, how they’d always manage to downplay every single one of my achievements. (I guess me proving them wrong was my big “fuck you” to them) So maybe that’s why I’m hyperaware of everyone’s faults. Because I don’t want anyone who’s anything like that in my life ever ever again. Those times were the worst I’ve ever felt about myself. I’ve come this far and I refuse to take even a baby step backward.
But I’m protective of myself the way that grizzly bear in The Revenant was protective of her cubs. (In this scenario, I’m both the mom and the cubs). And I know that the people I like now aren’t my insecure exes. But trusting people and letting them in is almost as terrifying as that grizzly bear. (Well, maybe not THAT terrifying). But what if they hurt me? What if they hold me back? And then I realize I’m already doing that to myself under the guise of protection from it all.
