Boundaries

Soo I grew up with a tendency to people please. Falling into a never-ending cycle of placing other people’s feelings and needs before my own. And I think that’s a very human thing to do. Going off of the belief that the majority of us care about others too, not just ourselves. But it’s crucial to have a healthy sense of balance. Which I lacked. Because my whole life, I’ve placed others above me. Believing that everyone else’s happiness and well-being are more important, more valuable than mine. Because I know what being left out, disappointed, and hurt feels like. I mean, no shit, who doesn’t? But often, I feel an overwhelming responsibility to keep others from feeling that way too, even if that entails giving them everything in me until I’m left with nothing.

And I know exactly why I do this because I’m extremely self-aware. I’m so self-aware that traditional CBT therapy has never worked on me. I already know why I do the things I do! Having a therapist repeat that back to me like I’m stupid feels condescending. Which repulses the shit out of me and gives me nothing but road rage on the drive home.

The reason I feel responsible for everyone’s feelings is because of childhood trauma duh! Always on alert for possible threats so I can eliminate them (would anyone else befriend the kid who gave school shooter vibes because you thought that maybe if you showed them kindness and acceptance, they’d feel like less of an outcast and therefore bear less resentment toward everyone and therefore less likely to seek revenge). Feeling like a burden because my existence is the reason my parents are stressed all the time (they’d be happier if they didn’t have me, that’s one less chore for them to take care of! I know because my mom would tell me that every time I fucked up or every time I asked her to buy me something for school!) Feeling the need to make everyone feel better because I played the role of the mediator in my family. My sister’s repeated acts of rebellion created tension between her and my parents. Which forced me to become the communicator in the middle of it all during phases where they’d refuse to talk to each other face-to-face. And in being an ally to both sides, I was tasked with calming them down and acting as the voice of reason. Also, my parents’ disappointment in my sister put pressure on me to be “the good one.” “Don’t be like your sister!” I couldn’t let them down, so I had to be everything they wanted me to be, even if that wasn’t what I wanted. And there we go! Sacrificing my own needs for the needs of others, inevitably forcing me to become a people-pleaser! Because that’s what I’ve done my whole life. Boundaries? Idk her! People have been overstepping mine my whole life!

But after years of neglecting myself for the sake of others’ contentment, I had officially drained myself out. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was mentally exhausted, energetically drained and so unhappy and unfulfilled that maybe that’s part of why I’ve struggled with suicidal ideation for half my life. I’m already dead inside, so why not fully commit to the bit??

I kind of…snapped? But not in an explosive or obvious way. I was like, fuck it! Fuck what everyone else wants! I’m going to do what I want. So I did. Without anyone else’s opinions holding me back, without worrying about how if me thriving would cause anyone else to feel insecure. Because my whole life I’ve been weighed down by this habit of shrinking myself for the comfort of others. The thing is, I tend to excel at most things I put effort into. Like, in school I was a fast learner and would always receive praise from my teachers and win awards. But that made my classmates feel “less than”. So in response, they’d be super mean to me! Belittle me, mock my achievements, create and spread rumors about me, and exclude me from their dumb little groups! All this over attaining the highest Reading Counts score in the class? What the hell! Just read better? Idk! But being alienated, even by a bunch of dummies who couldn’t read, wasn’t exactly fun. So I began talking down about myself around them so they’d feel better about themselves. Making self-deprecating jokes, over-complimenting them, and treating them as my superiors so they wouldn’t feel threatened by me.

But I finally broke myself out of that. Because fuck you, I’m done belittling myself to appease your insecure ass! And I’m no longer giving your butt-hurt responses any power over me. It’s my turn to get what I want, it’s my turn to be happy!

But breaking out of that habit can feel…guilty? No longer neglecting myself and my wants/needs feels selfish. And I keep having to remind myself that respecting myself and my boundaries isn’t selfish. You’re a human being too, and you deserve to be happy just like everyone else.

Canceling plans with friends at times when I know that what’s best for me is staying home and recharging, not draining myself even more. I love them and their company. But I also love myself. And sometimes I just need some alone time. The times when I ignored my own needs in fear of disappointing others, I showed up, but never as my best self. I was half-present, half-engaged in the conversation, barely myself, mostly in my head, thinking about how much I wish I were home instead, coming up with justifiable enough excuses to leave. But you don’t need to justify or explain yourself. If they’re your real friends who care about you and your well-being, they’ll be understanding. Because they want you to be okay too. They know you didn’t cancel with ill intent, and they know there’ll be other opportunities to hang out in the future. They’re fully capable of finding other things to do in the meantime, and they aren’t dependent on you. So you don’t need to cater to them as if they are.

Saying no when someone asks me out for dinner, even if it hurts their feelings. Because I’m not interested and I also have no desire to do that, so I’m not going to force myself to do something I don’t want to do, which includes wasting my own time that I’ve come to value, for the sake of saving someone from feeling rejected. They can get over it and ask someone else, it’s not the end of the world. They’re a grown-ass human being capable of managing their own emotions. I’m not here to do that for them. And I’m no longer forcing that responsibility onto myself.

Talking myself up, being proud of myself, having confidence, and knowing my worth. I’ve worked my whole life to attain the self-love I have now, why would I let someone take that from me so they can use it to make up for their own lack of self-love? That sounds like a personal problem! Work on that! Because I’m done belittling myself.

If you continuously make yourself small, you’ll eventually become nothing. So set those fucking boundaries!