April Journal

April 25th – 2:00pm

Heeey ok wow my avoidant tendencies never leave me, but they’ve been extra EXTRA present the past few weeks.

But listen! I do have ADHD. And I hate admitting that now, not because I’m ashamed of it. But because Tiktokers somehow made it silly goofy quirky<3 and therefore embarrassing while continuing to perpetuate the common misconceptions about it. A part of me crumbles inside every time I see a video of someone cutting it down to just being easily distracted. And, no Rachel, growing bored of the pottery classes you signed up for or having difficulty focusing on your new shitty Colleen Hoover book does not automatically mean you have ADHD. Colleen Hoover books just suck! And I’m not sorry for saying that! Although if you like them, keep reading them! Don’t let my or anyone else’s opinion stop you from engaging in something you enjoy! Even if that includes spending your precious hours reading a 300-page fanfiction novel! I’ve been in quite the sassy little mood lately. And I’m self-aware enough to know the exact reason why, but more on that later in a future post maybe. But anyway, all this to say, I haven’t been taking my ADHD meds. Partly because of the health issue I’ve been having that I talked about in my last post. To be clear, the meds aren’t the cause of it, because I’ve been having this issue looong before I took meds of any kind. So I haven’t been on my ADHD meds for most of April, and seeee that’s why I haven’t been posting as much. Because my unmedicated self is like avoid avoid avoid anything even slightly overwhelming! Not that this is overwhelming per se. But I do feel this deep disgusting need to be perfect, and that made-up pressure I put on myself feeds me anxious thoughts and feelings, and those anxious thoughts and feelings overwhelm me. And I don’t enjoy feeling that way so DUH! I avoid it!

Sometimes when I write, I’m like, “I need to put a lot of thought into this in order for it to matter,” so I’ll end up ruminating on possible ideas/topics for days. But I’ll resist forming those thoughts into written sentences on blank documents, because in my head I’m like, “No, not good enough. I need to think some more,” which is actually just an excuse I tell myself to avoid writing.

However, whenever I’m more casual about writing (like right now), I enjoy it more. And write more because of it. Because I’m putting less pressure on myself. I’m not wrestling with thoughts in my head like, “Hm, should I put this in here? Because it might not even be relevant, and I don’t want to just ramble on about a distracted thought that has little to do with the topic.” Because I’ve noticed that when I’m letting my thoughts out in writing organically, I’ll accidentally begin rambling on about a new thought that formed in my head while I was writing. But that’s enjoyable to me because it feels more genuine. It’s not like I created a strategic 10-step outline for this new thought. It’s just falling out of my head and onto this page naturally. I enjoy writing most when it’s unplanned, messy, and organic. Soo, I’m going to keep up with the monthly journal thing on here that I had been doing. Where I just ramble on about whatever’s on my mind. I don’t want that pressure of feeling like everything needs a place or like there’s a point or conclusion I need to get across. That way I won’t avoid writing like it’s this daunting task that needs a beginning, middle, and end.

Ok that’s all! Also, has anyone else been feeling like the world has been off lately? I mean it’s BEEN off for a while now, but the off-ness has been extraaa prominent the past few weeks.

April 30th – 6:40pm

One of the dumbest questions/statements is, “Describe yourself in 3 words<3” because HUH?? People are multifaceted and shouldn’t ever minimize themselves into 3 little words aka boxes. Dumb! Not only that but it diminishes and sets a limit on who they are and who they have the capacity to become. I doubt anyone’s entirety can accurately be summed up in three words. Unless they’re just suuuper fucking boring. Multiple versions of you can exist! You can be whoever the hell you want. If you have the ability to be self-aware and read social cues, different scenarios and environments have the power to bring out different sides of you. You are not a one-dimensional person!

With that being said, I can describe the separate versions of myself in three words. Again, not my entire being. Just one part of it. One of my favorite versions of myself is the one I refer to as the fun, flighty, free-spirited me. And…maybe a hint of flirty. But, it’s more so friendly being misread as flirty. Regardless! I enjoy being this version of me, because this me fills my life with excitement. And excitement brings purpose to my life. People are like “chase your passion” “follow your passion”, but what the hell is that like why are you pressuring me to pick one thing! Bitch! What even is a “passion”! I have multiple interests that I phase in and out of. Don’t make me choose one thing to dedicate my whole life to! No! Chase what excites you. Now see, that helps me. Because that gives me the freedom to be whatever I want at whatever moment. I don’t have to worry about losing interest in it or second-guessing myself. Because I can always change paths.

And there’s a lot of paths I want to explore. Some people might have one thing they love so much that they dedicate their whole life to it. And good for them! Other people might be a little more adventurous and have more than one interest they want to explore. I’m this one. One version isn’t better than the other. Although one is more accepted in a traditional sense. But who cares? There aren’t any rules for how you have to live your life. You can do whatever you want. It’s YOUR life. Why would you limit yourself and your life’s potential by wasting it trying to meet the traditional expectations society literally made up for you? That’s so sad.

When you’re a kid, you’re filled with this abundant, limitless mindset. A beaming ray of excitement for your life and everything it can be. But as you grow up, the world snatches up pieces of this abundance from you. “You need to be more realistic”, “There’s a one in a million chance of you making it”, “That’s not sustainable, you need to choose a safer option”, “You can’t do that! What happens when you get married and have kids?”, “When will you settle down?”

That excitement for life that used to radiate inside of you begins to diminish. With each year that passes, you scale back your dreams a little more, you lower the expectations you had for your life a little more. The world bashes you into becoming more “realistic”. Their version of realistic. And then you become so “realistic” that you let go of your dreams. That excitement for life goes away. And you don’t even notice it as it’s happening. But then one day you realize that your days are spent existing instead of living. Going through the motions, feeling nothing. You life becomes one long filler episode. The only “excitement” in your life is the next big milestone that society set for you. Getting married, having kids, buying a house. And sure that stuff can be great, but is that what you want? Or is that the life you settled for to feel content in following what the world expects of you? Of course, maybe that’s what some people genuinely want and that’s great for them! That’s not the issue. One version of life isn’t objectively better than another. The issue is: are you living the life you want or the one the world expects you to live?

Because the traditional life that the world expects of me doesn’t bring me excitement. Like I said before, we’re multifaceted. And we aren’t all the same. There are billions of people in the world. Billions of personalities, billions of different wants and dreams. So how is it fair to expect everyone to be happy with the same path in life?

That’s so fucked. It’s your life, and you’re allowed to live it however you want. This is your only life, please please please don’t give it away.