I wasn’t going to write today because I’ve been sleepy since 2pm. Shoutout to the daily 2pm energy crash. But I did promise myself I’d post here on Sundays and Wednesdays. And according to those accounts on Instagram that copy, paste, and post advice sourced from a podcaster who just reworded what they read in a self-help book or heard in a Ted Talk, “Self-confidence is earned by keeping promises to yourself.” Not that I need any more confidence. I believe in myself ~and trust the universe~ so much that I’ve winged just about everything in life. Which kind of makes me an oxymoron. Because half the time, my brain’s burning itself out being preoccupied with anxious thoughts about the future. And then the other half of the time, my brain’s like, “I couldn’t give less of a shit. I could just kill myself if things get that bad in the future.” Maybe it’s concerning to be that casual with death, but I find it freeing.
Speaking of death, today’s Easter. Which I very vaguely know about. Something about coming back from the dead? Idk. I’m sure someone out there is mentally crucifying me for that. Probably didn’t use that term correctly but omggg is that so bad! Will your home go up in flames? Will your human rights be violated? Will your life be stolen from you?
I grew up in Southern Indiana. Indiana! Indiana is hella Christian (hahahah) You couldn’t drive more than 3 blocks without seeing yet another variation of a Christian church, our high school had a Christian student group? I can’t remember what they’re called, but everyone in the group was a Christian and they’d all get together at 6am when school had barely opened and pray in the cafeteria. Why the cafeteria? Idk! Are you guys blessing the school lunch food? Well from the looks of it, it didn’t work. But anyways, and this is awfully brave of me to admit, I was in theatre…But I wasn’t a theatre kid! I just had a few roles in some of the plays because I enjoyed pretending to be anyone other than myself, that’s it! Ok so before we’d perform, we partook in this tradition…where we’d stand in a circle, hold hands, close our eyes, and then a member of the cast (usually the most insufferable one) would volunteer to lead us in a prayer. And then we’d all say amen. And whatever, I didn’t really give a shit. I mean I do wish you could’ve watch it from an outside perspective. Like if you were an audience member who had gotten lost and happened to pass by the room we were in. It’s givingggg cult! So that’s how Christianized things were there.
And I was the imposter. Because I’m not Christian, my family isn’t either. News flash! Other cultures and religions exist! My parents immigrated to the US from Vietnam in their 20s. And Christianity wasn’t the dominant religion there. My parents are Buddhist, and that’s how I was raised. Which lead me to feel a lot of confusion growing up. Because in school, we’d read books filled with Christian references, and I wouldn’t understand any of them. In third grade, I remember being assigned a presentation that consisted of us telling the class about our family’s Christmas traditions. And my family didn’t have any. Prior to giving us the assignment, our teacher asked, “Does anyone in here not celebrate Christmas?” I was 8 years old and I had already felt like such an outsider. All I wanted at that age was to fit in and not be the odd one out for once. So I didn’t raise my hand. For the presentation, I shared an entirely made-up story that I had created. Rehearsed it at home so I could sound as convincing as possible, and pretended to be excited about our “tradition of hanging up ornaments,” (lame idea I know! I was 8 and doing my best!) because I couldn’t wait to hang up my favorite one. A week before our presentation, we each had a little meeting with the teacher to discuss what ours would be about. She suggested that I bring in my favorite ornament. But I didn’t have one. So instead I drew a picture of what it’d look like and showed it to the class after explaining that I “forgot it at home.” And then my teacher docked points off my grade for that. Ummm so that sucked!
And I remember in 4th grade, my best friend walking into school one day. Like any other day. School began with everyone sitting in the gym upon arrival for the morning announcements. And I was always one of the first ones there because my dad had to drop me off early so he could go to work. So I’d sit there and stare at the door in anticipation, waiting for my only friend to get there. In anticipation because her parents actually let her take an absent day when she got sick, and she was sick a lot. From like, a cold. I meaaan, get over it Sarah stop being a weak ass bitch! I’ve walked into this school barely able to breathe, your absence is making recess lonely and awkward as FUCK for me! Guess I’ll just stand by the fence so I can stare at the road and watch the cars go by again! Anyway, one day she walks in. (Finally wow congrats you made it) Sits next to me (thank goodness you’re not sick anymore!) and she’s like, “Brittany do you believe in God?” And ???? HUH?? Ma’am the sun hasn’t even risen yet?? I respond, “Uhh no? Are you high??” Ok I didn’t say the last part. And she’s like “What?? But I want you to go to heaven with me!” and starts SOBBING. Immediately I’m like FUCK FUCK FUCK because I KNOW that everyone’s going to blame me, accuse me of bullying, and ask, “Brittany what did you do?” And that’s EXACTLY what they did. I was like…”She asked me if I believed in God?” and then all the teachers and our classmates begin consoling her. What in the actual fuck Sarah! Not only did you make everyone hate me even more, but you basically told me my ass is going to hell when I die, you freak! Another religiously motivated hit to my childhood to add to the list, thanks for that!
And not to mention all the random letters I received in high school from people insisting I needed to be saved because my lack of religion left me no morals! Which was bizarre considering all I did was have mental breakdowns about AP exams and pass time at the local Target with my only friend! I mean, I guess I did need saving from those mental breakdowns and I guess Target could be immoral? In the corporate sense?
Anyway! These days, I’m more spiritual than religious (if religious at all).
I’ve come to the conclusion that religion kind of sucks. All religion. I think at its base the intentions are good. But I guess people have a knack for sabotaging good things. I thought we were just supposed to be kind and care about others, as well as ourselves. What happened to that? I didn’t need religion to tell me that. I didn’t need the desire to go to heaven to motivate me to be a decent person. As if good deeds are currency and I need to pay a certain amount to be let in. Like it’s a fucking business exchange. Ugh.
Hey Alexa, play Pure Comedy by Father John Misty
