September 6, 2022 – 9:33p
Sometimes the universe will take someone out of your life. And you just have to let it. Because you’ve grown. But unfortunately that person hasn’t. And the universe is telling you it’s time. You’ve outgrown that person. You’re no longer aligned with that person, and it wants to give you someone who is.
The people you thought you wanted before were just prepping you for the bigger things coming your way. Some people just serve as practice. So that you can learn, grow and become your best self.
And then you’ll be ready for whenever that perfect person you really want comes into your life. The one that checks every box in your head without any compromises.
Because with almost every person you were with in the past, you thought they were what you wanted. But they weren’t.
They were just the best out of shitty situations. When you look back at every person you were with in the past, you realize that none of them were or could be the person you truly desired.
You were never in love with them, you were in love with the way you felt when you were loved.
None of them were as remarkable or as special as you had built them up to be in your head. Looking back, they were just…average. And you deserve better than average.
You have to let go of that mediocrity in order to make room for the best.
And maybe that’s just the idealist in me. And maybe what I’m saying is problematic.
But I don’t really give a shit.
And on that note, goodnight.
September 7, 2022 – 9:20p
It’s not that I’m mean.
It’s not that I fear commitment or intimacy.
It’s that I fear it with the wrong person.
So maybe I do have an insanely bad habit of nitpicking every person I date or like.
Because in my head, there’s this amazing, ideal person that’s perfect for me. And when the people I’m with can’t live up to that, I’m like, “this person isn’t it”, “this person isn’t who I envisioned myself being with.”
Once I figure out this person’s flaws, I can start losing feelings for them. Which, to me, is a good thing.
Because feelings are scary. Having feelings for someone. Especially the wrong person. Is fucking terrifying.
Because then they have the power to potentially hurt me.
When I really have feelings for someone, I feel safe opening up to them, free to show vulnerability without judgement. I feel like it’s okay to fully be my real myself around them. And that’s always been so difficult for me.
Like throughout my whole life. Even around my closest friends. There’s always a resistance I put on myself that I can never let go of. There’s always a part of myself I’m holding back from fully expressing. Even when I want to.
But whenever my feelings for someone are deep enough, they gain the ability to unlock that part of me.
And then I’m free. Free to finally express and share those deeper parts of myself with someone else.
But that can all be taken away. And to finally reach that feeling you had been desiring for so long just to have it taken from you hurts more than having never felt it at all.
And then I’m left feeling horrible.
Because. They didn’t deserve to get close to me. They didn’t deserve to see that part of me. They didn’t deserve to get to know me in that way. To know all of my little thoughts and feelings, my past, the things I’ve been through, or why I am the way that I am.
They didn’t deserve to know me.
I want to protect my peace. I want to protect my energy. I want to protect myself from ever getting hurt. I want to protect myself from opening up to the wrong person. I want to protect myself from having that kind of happiness being taken from me.
I’m not being mean, I’m not running from commitment or intimacy.
I just don’t want to get hurt. That’s all.
September 8, 2022 – 8:36p
Sometimes I reread my old posts and I’m like ahhh am I sharing too much:( Am I being too expressive and open:( Is it ok for me to say this:( Maybe I should delete this because I’m revealing too much of myself and now people know all these things about me:(
But likeeee
who
cares.
I think everyone should say and do whateverrrrr they want as long as they’re not hurting anyone.
Because why the restraint. Why do you care what anyone thinks about you. Why does that matter. Why can’t people just be open and say how they really feel.
Nothing is ever that serious. We are alllll going to die one day and none of this will matter.
Sometimes I write reaaaally dramatic posts. But being dramatic is fun as helllll.
Romanticizing the fuck out of your life and pretending you’re the main character of your own movie makes everything so much more enjoyable.
And every challenge, every heartbreak, every feeling. Makes the plot that much more interesting. And if you choose to grow from those things, it makes you more interesting.
The best characters and storylines are always multi-dimensional.
So if I want to write out my life, and everything I think and feel. To make it feel like a monologue in a movie. Then I will.
Also. I think a lot of the rules society has created are complete bullshit.
And I really don’t care to let that bullshit stop me from doing what I want and living my best life.
But if you do…that’s fine.
But like
why
would you do that to yourself.
Personally I don’t want to sabotage my own life or happiness just to gain the approval of a bunch of randoms.
That’s soo embarrassing.
Please.
Free yourself from that prison lmao
September 13, 2022 – 9:11pm
It’s always the people that are the loudest about how they don’t give a fuck that actually give the most fucks. But about the dumbest things. I’m like. You’re not fooling anyone. I can tell you’re suppressing the shit out of yourself right now. Because you think it’s embarrassing to care.
But it’s not. It’s not embarrassing to care.
But it is important that you’re selective about what you care about.
Because if you care too much about extremely trivial things that essentially mean nothing. And won’t help you in any way. That’s so much energy you’re wasting. When you could be directing that energy toward something so much more rewarding.
It’s okay to give a fuck. Giving a fuck about something can be so incredibly powerful.
Like. Giving a fuck about your personal growth, your family/friends, developing genuine connections. Will bring you so much more happiness in the long-term.
But giving a fuck about fitting in, about what people think of you, holding onto resentment. Where will that get you? How will that help you?
So. Give as many fucks as you want. But be selective about what you give a fuck about.
Or else you’re just fucking yourself over.
Protect your energy. Be selective about where you put it.
Because not everything or everyone deserves it 🙂
Aloha from Hawaii Ms. Brittany.
I just wanted to say thank you so very much for sharing. I definitely feel your pain. I’ve been there and am still going through very similar things you went through yourself. It’s extremely difficult to trust most people nowadays. Sometimes when you least expect it and let your guard down, people will betray you and do you very, very wrong. Things like that makes us want to completely isolate ourselves from the world and never ever trust again because of the pain and hurt we experience in our lives.
I’ve completely isolated myself from the world many, many times in my life & still kind of do to this day. Just like you mentioned, I do that to protect my peace, my energy, etc. I realized though that when I do that, I feel that I’m making things much, much worse. I feel like that’s how souless, psychopaths start out and I most definitely don’t want to become one. Ever.
I don’t want to become a victim of people’s toxic behavior change who I am. I know who I am and I know who I’m not, so I do everything in my people not to fall victim of people’s toxic behavior by taking time to myself to self reflect and improve my lfe for the better.
I do it by completely ridding myself of social media, going on a nutritional detox, journaling, traveling as much as I possibly can, doing martial arts and spending more time being in nature. I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I feel that God created us to be social creatures and to be more intune with mother nature and if we lose that aspects of our lives, we lose of ourselves and our humanity. Personally, I feel that social media and modernized social norms nowadays are conditioning us to be souless, psychopathic creatures, which is why I completely eliminated that from my life.
Social Media conditions us to be insecure, jealous, lonely, depressed individuals and I feel that we fall victim to that if it consume it excessively in our lives and not properly moderate it. Personally, I don’t want it in my life because I feel much more happier and can think much clearer, but not everyone feels that way.
I know you mentioned about the rules of society has created are complete bullshit and what not, but I don’t believe there are societal rules; only certain social norms created by the mainstream media that they create and oversaturate into people’s minds through social media, youtube and all other things people consume on a daily basis. They are not required by law to obey, but programmed into people’s minds to accept and conform to it. It’s up to people to choose to conform to the social norms or not. I choose not to.
I know that sounds like I’m some crazy, right wing, conspiracy theorist or whatever, but that’s what I believe through my observations. Human nature is a very complex thing that can never ever be fully understand. It’s a very grey cycle meaning that some people do good things some times and some people do evil things some times, but eventually that good cycle or evil cycle will eventually come to an end at some point and people eventually learn from that experience, grow from it, evolve and move on.
What you’re doing is very healthy (mental health wise) and helps many people (like me) relate to your personal experience and also learn from it. Please keep on writing and sharing because I feel that you’re helping a whole lot of people and I’m sure it’s helping you too. I’ll be waiting for your next post. Take care.
Mahalo Nui Loa,
Nalu