“If I’m too much, go find less”
I looove that quote.
Because no, I’m not going to lower my standards, minimize my wants/needs or water myself down to be accepted by you.
But in my first few relationships I would.
I’d let people convince me that I’m being too much.
For wanting a compliment every once in a while. For wanting to do something fun and planned sometimes instead of staying content with sitting at home all day and playing video games every single time we’d hangout. For wanting to be heard when I’m having a bad day without being invalidated. For wanting to feel encouraged to go after my goals instead of being told to be more realistic (and btw, I ended up achieving those goals. A major fuck you to my exes who’d tell me that).
And some people might say, “Well good luck finding someone like that, because most people aren’t going to do all that.”
And yeaaah no shit. Luckily I’m not so co-dependent that I’d be desperate to settle for the bare minimum.
I love being alone. I live alone. I do most things alone. I’m capable of handling things alone. I don’t need anyone.
This is about who I want. Like a dessert.
It’s not imperative for me to have it. But if I do decide to have a dessert…And say, in this scenario, I can only have one dessert, why would I choose a shitty one? Why would I want one that leaves me being like, “Well that was ok. It definitely wasn’t the best, but it was fine.” Especially when you know the exact dessert that you not only want, but that would satisfy all your cravings.
It’s important to not be co-dependent.
Because when you’re co-dependent, your person isn’t a dessert for you, they become a whole entire meal you need to survive (not cannibalistically). And that’s dangerous.
Because now, it’s no longer an optional thing for you to have, it’s vital.
You need it so you don’t starve to death.
And if you’re offered a shitty meal, you’d still accept it. Because you need it so badly that you’ll accept anything. You’re forced to convince yourself that everything is “good enough”. And to be fine with it. And you convince yourself so much that you don’t even realize you’re drasticallyyy lowering the bar for what’s acceptable every single time the quality of the meal degrades.
Until you’re left with nothing. And even though you’re still being fed, you’re being fed scraps. And at the end of the day, you’re alive. And you keep living. But you’re empty and unsatisfied.
You can’t be co-dependent. You have to be your own meal. You provide what you need to yourself. Anyone else is a dessert. And if you choose to get a dessert, you have the ability to be as picky as you want and choose one that’s anything and everything you want and expect it to be.
Because you’re not dependent on it. You’re not forced to accept the bare minimum.
And say you have a very specific dessert you want. You know exactly which one will meet all of your expectations. The one that’ll satisfy your sweet tooth and all your sugary desires. But you go to the store, and it’s not there. So you’re like, “Well that sucks, I guess I’ll settle for something else.”
But here’s the catch. You can only choose one. And once you choose one, the only dessert you can eat is that one. Even if it’s not the one you wanted.
And maybe you’re okay with settling for it. At first. But after a few days, the needs and expectations you have for a dessert still aren’t met. And they never will be met. And it makes you feel like maybe what you want is “too much.” So you begin to lower your expectations. And that makes you feel like shit. Like it starts to give you a stomach ache. Because it’s not right for you. It’s not what you truly wanted. And you knew that. But now you’re stuck with it. And now you’re feeling worse than you would’ve if you just skipped dessert.
And then you realize that you were in such a rush to have a dessert, you were willing to settle for one you knew wouldn’t be enough to meet your expectations.
You settled.
Any why?
You don’t need it but you were treating it like you did.
You could’ve waited. Maybe if you came back tomorrow, or went to a different store, a better selection would’ve been out and the exact dessert you were looking for would’ve been there. You didn’t have to force yourself to eat something that’d leave you feeling like shit.
Especially when you can only choose one. You can wait until the right one comes along. The one that’ll bring you so much joy and satisfy every single one of your cravings. The one you know is right for you. The one that won’t make you think, “Fuck. I wish I would’ve waited for the one I really wanted.”
If I only get one pick. That I have to stick with. I’m not wasting it on a dried up, crusty dessert.
If I, for some reason, choose a shitty dessert that can’t satisfy my cravings. That can’t give me what I’m looking for in a dessert. Then fine. I can throw it away.
Maybe it’ll be enough to satisfy someone else.
Just not me.
And then I can go back to the dessert store to see if the one that’s everything I wanted is there. And if it’s not, that’s fine. I’d rather skip dessert than force myself to eat one that’ll make me feel sick.
You’re not too much. You’re not asking for too much.
The longer you’ve been stuck in an unfulfilling relationship, the harder it becomes to believe that there’s better out there. That life could be so much more than this. That you could be happier.
Because this hell of a relationship is all you know. Not only did you become so comfortable in the relationship, you, without even realizing it, became so comfortable with constantly lowering the bar, settling for less and accepting the bare minimum.
And then you started to believe that this is what you deserve. That this is the best you can get.
So you stay in it.
But please. For the sake of your happiness.
Get the fuck out.
It’s scary and uncomfortable leaving the life you’ve been living for so long.
But just for a bit.
And then you’re free.
And it’s so worth it.
Sometimes people forget that they only have one chance to live life.
So live it however the fuck you want and do whatever makes you happy.
And never settle for less or force yourself to become less.
Do you really want to be 70 and miserable because you chose to stay in that unfulfilling relationship you were in at 25? When you knew that this person wasn’t right for you. When you felt like a burden every time you asked for the bare minimum. When you minimized yourself to be accepted by this person?
When life could’ve been so much more. When you could’ve let yourself be so much more.
If you’re too much for someone, they can find less.
I don’t want average. I don’t want an average anything. I want the best.
I’m not lowering the bar for anyone.
I can do everything I want on my own. If someone wants to join me, then they’ll have to be good enough to.
Not everyone’s capable of that.
And that’s fine. Because I’m sure there’s someone out there whose standards are low enough for them to reach.
But I’m not minimizing myself or my life for anyone.
I’m not too much, you’re just not enough.
Either be good enough for me or go find less.
I don’t need you.
