Nothing is forever & that’s ok

Sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes I’m very very sad.

And it’s annoying.

Because when you’re sad people will be like, “You’re sad again? I thought you healed your mental health and that you were happy now!” “Oh no! You’ve taken a step backwards!”

And please. Shut the fuck up. Be realistic.

It’s not like happiness is a destination where, once you reach it, you just stay there forever. Because nothing’s forever.

So you think once you “reach” happiness that inevitable things like loss, death, etc just don’t happen? And if they do I’m supposed to be this fucking robotic freak and still be happy?

No.

I’m HUMAN. You’re HUMAN. And experiencing lows and sadness isn’t a setback. It’s a part of life you delusional motherfuckers.

Much like life, we go through cycles, changes, new experiences. And quite obviously, you’re going to feel different about different things! Going through ups and downs is a part of life. And going through a rough time mentally doesn’t mean you’re going backwards.

And people have this huge misconception about depression. They expect you to eventually be “cured” one day. When you go a whole month without wanting to off yourself, you’re finally “happy” and “normal”, you “beat depression” so you can stop taking your meds now!

And holyshit do you know how much I wish that were true?

Because most of the time. I’m happy.

I’m so fucking happy and in love with my life and my mind is flourishing with positive thoughts and I’m so incredibly kind to myself.

But sometimes. I just don’t feel good.

There are times when I feel empty, lonely, sad, unsatisfied. Like I don’t want to be a part of this world anymore. Because at least if I’m not here anymore, then I won’t have to feel these things. And all of the pain I feel will finally fucking end.

And in the past, I’d get so close to ending all of it.

But for some reason, my body just kept fighting for me to stay. Every. Fucking. Time.

And despite the frustration that made me feel, I’d keep living.

Like I said before, life is constantly changing. Youu meet new people, new experiences come along, and then you slowly start to feel good again.

You start to love life again.

And sometimes in those moments, I’ll look back at the times when I tried to end it. And I think about how grateful I am that life didn’t stop in those moments.

Because I wouldn’t have been able to experience all the good things I didn’t know were coming.

But life is constantly evolving and changing, and sometimes it’ll present you with challenges.

Maybe something doesn’t work out the way you hoped it would. Maybe you lose someone close to you. Maybe you don’t get that thing you really really wanted. And maybe you have days where you just feel fucking sad. For no reason.

And that’s okay.

You’re human. You’re allowed to feel however the fuck you want and you never need to justify it.

You’re not taking a step backwards.

You’re simply experiencing a natural part of life.

You won’t be happy all the time. But that also means you won’t be sad all the time.

Even if it feels like that in the moment.

And because it’s not right in front of you, it’s difficult believing that life will get better from there.

Because the Brittany that tried to end her life last December couldn’t see that just a month later, she’d meet so many amazing people that’d later become some of her closest friends and create so many new, fun memories and experience a joy she’s never felt before.

You might be in a low place right now, but you won’t be in that place forever.

And sometimes you’ll be in a really good place, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never experience sadness again. And that’s okay.

And yeah it sucks. It sucks, because you’re like “why the fuck can’t things just stay good?”

But I think we forget that sometimes going through shitty situations is what propels us to go even further.

I think about how all the things I’ve been through lead me to become the person I am today.

How every breakup forced me to focus on myself, gain self-love, care for myself and do things for me. To believe in myself and develop the confidence to pursue the things that *I wanted.

How a job rejection motivated me to become my own boss. How that made me want it more. How that prompted me to work even harder. And how now I no longer need that job, because now I am my own boss.

How getting bullied in middle school forced me to develop a thick skin and to stop giving a fuck about anyone’s opinions but my own.

How having difficulty making close friends growing up forced me to become extremely independent and comfortable alone.

And if I was never presented with these challenges, I don’t think I’d be who and where I am now. Like yeah living through that sucked. But if I stayed in those comfortable but unfulfilling relationships or been offered that stable but uninspiring job. Then I’d still be there. Stuck in a plateau. Never changing or progressing forward. Never realizing that things could be so much better. That I could have so much better. Because I couldn’t see it at the time. I couldn’t see how much more I’m capable of achieving.

And I fucking love who I am now and where I am now. Of course, I have off days. That’s normal.

But even during the hard times, I’d still rather be here than where I thought I wanted to be back then.

So, you see. Low moments aren’t setbacks.

And even when you feel sad for no reason at all.

That’s okay!!! You don’t have to justify it.

Society looves to put happiness on a pedestal as if it’s the end all be all. And honestly? Shut the fuck up.

There’s no such thing as a “bad” emotion.

Feeling, feeling anything is so powerful.

Like. Whenever I’m sad, I feel inspired to start writing again. Like I am right now. And I love writing.

Whenever I’m angry, I feel motivated to workout. And I love working out.

Sometimes these “negative” emotions help bring you back to the things you love and enjoy. And to discover new things you’ll love and enjoy.

And that’s really fucking beautiful.

So free yourself and let yourself feel all the feelings. Because sometimes they lead you to really amazing places. Even if you can’t see it at the time.