Hey again…
It’s been like what? 4 months again?
I’m always more inspired to write whenever I’m in an extreme mood. And I guess this is like therapy for me. Except this time it’s for me, and I’m not waiting for the person sitting on the other side of the room with a notepad to give me a response.
I’m just venting all of my vulnerable thoughts out from this overthinking mind of mine and letting them go into this virtual little world where anyone can see them and nothing feels real.
Why does it always so much less scary being vulnerable to thousands of people you don’t know on the internet than to one person who actually knows you?
But then again, I can’t even remember the last time I was vulnerable to someone in real life. Vulnerability is scary. Feelings are terrifying. Attachment is mortifying. And falling in love is just out of the question.
God am I about to watch Perks of Being a Wallflower tonight, a Friday night at 8:54 pm and bury my face in the pillow until it eventually just becomes a soggy mound of cotton from my tears, sweat and drool? Sounds so fucking appetizing.
I promise I’m not this sad all the time. In fact, I usually just feel nothing at all. Thanks Prozac! But feeling nothing at all doesn’t really inspire me to write. So, like I said, I only really write when I’m in an extreme mood. More so an extreme downer mood. Because if I’m in an extreme happy mood, that’s when I get to reaally exist and be present in real life. Plus, happy pieces aren’t as much fun to write. It’s more fun to be happy than to write happy, but it’s more “fun” to write sad than to be sad.
So maybe it’s good that I haven’t written on here for a while. Because I went a whole 4 months without balling my eyes out while typing jumbled up sentences on a computer screen.
It’s kinda difficult for me to even pinpoint why the fuck I feel this way. Maybe it’s like a multitude of things.
Maybe going 4 months bottling up my feelings and then finally letting yourself feel it all in one night isn’t the healthiest option. But what do I know. One thing that I do know is that writing is one helluva way to help you feel not so shit about yourself.
Anyways, here’s a brief rundown of life in the last 4 months…
So, after I wrote that last post about being a sad girl blah blah blah what’s new, things really turned around. And life started being exciting again. Things were getting good again. And I was happy. Like especially in January. I was really fucking happy.
But you know what happens every time things start getting good again?
It’s always too fucking good to be true. Or maybe it isn’t.
Maybe my defense mechanism is to just hardcore self-sabotage and ruin everything, because every time something good happens, it always fucking ends. So maybe my head’s like “hmm let’s not wait for this to end, let’s just cut it out right the fuck now”.
So then February happened. Birthday month woohoo. Getting old as shit again.
The very beginning of February was still good. But you knowww that self-destructive behavior was like “hmmm you’ve been happy for too long, it’s time to destroy all of that!! 🙂
So yeah I slowly started to ummm ruin things. My intrusive thoughts were back and stronger than every babyyyyy.
Leave it up to my intrusive thoughts to find every single flaw in my life, the person I like, the situation I’m in, the way I look. Oh, and this happiness that I feel and all of the good things happening in my life right now? It’s all going to end. None of it is permanent.
So it’s time to pack it up and leave before it leaves you. Or light a match on the entire thing until it’s forced to leave you. And then it’s back to isolating myself from everyone and everything again.
Anyways, I don’t know where this is going. I really had no structure in mind while writing this.
And yeah maybe I should be writing all of this in a private journal and not on the internet. But where’s the fun in that? And as much as I hate the internet sometimes, I’ve felt so much less alone because of it.
Seeing other people open up about their struggles in their youtube videos, their instagram captions, blog posts, etc., it’s helped me feel not so insane for going through these rough patches.
Because it’s okay to feel this way. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. You don’t owe anyone a goddamn explanation for feeling how you feel.
And I guess that a huge part of my “brand” or whatever the fuck is just being raw, real and open. I never want to be like “heeey guys! Look how perfect my life is and how happy I am! I’m this perfect person and I always make good decisions and choose the right people! You should aspire to be me!”
I know how fake and filtered social media can be. I don’t want to be another person with a few followers that’s like “you SHOULD be like me”, I want to be like “I AM like you”. Because I am.
And I don’t know if writing my blog posts are helping you or me more. But I do hope they help you in some way. Maybe they aren’t the most inspiring. And that’s okay, because I didn’t intend for them to be.
Not everything has to be motivational or inspirational. Because I’m not trying to tell you that you should be somewhere other than you are now-whether that be in your life, your career, your mental wellbeing.
I’m telling you that it’s okay to be where you are now. In fact, it’s more than okay.
Your life is happening right now. Not when you get to that “goal” that those motivational posts are telling you to get to. Your life is happening right the fuck now. So let yourself be here.
Okay I feel like I unintentionally tried to get weirdly inspirational there but I didn’t mean to. And I don’t even know if what I said made any sense. But I hope it does:)
Anyways, I feel better now. And I hope you do too. Thank you for reading this mess if you made it to the end <3
In a society that’s intent on only projecting “happiness”, it was refreshing to read your post where you were sharing your raw feelings. Like you, I was also very good at self-sabotage, maybe even better than you 🙁 … now I hate to be the guy that gives advice to people, but maybe it’s justified here since I’ve been in the same hell as you and managed (barely) to get out, so here goes… getting in your own way simply means the little girl inside you may not feel worthy of good things; heal your inner child, she needs to feel loved, accepted and secure. There are lots of meditations on the internet about inner child healing. Feel free to drop me an email if you want to discuss more. Good luck to you 👍… and take care !!!
You’re so right, life is meant to be learned from and nobody really learns anything when things are going right. We have to fail to become better, to learn how to be better, to understand what better even means.
I tend to talk too much and that gets me on the wrong side of happiness because people think I’m too weird or too innocent or too trusting and that turns them away from me but I just want people to know that I’m a good person and a good friend but I get taken advantage of and then I’m alone again in my own mind, telling myself that all the same things I’ve always told myself.
I’m generally a happy person but it takes a toll sometimes. Your words do help me to feel like I’m not alone in those feelings. I used to undereat when I was younger, I was always tired and never slept, I played sports even though I had no strength from not eating. I completely agree with your sentiment about being and writing, I feel my best creativity is when I’m sad and when I’m happy I don’t feel creative at all, I feel like I need to experience things in that feeling.
Ambition and creativity always felt disconnected to me, that’s why anything I was ever good at felt after a while like I was losing the true nature of it and turning it into something fake and ambitious and that would make me just back off it completely, stunting my growth in so many ways. We tend to be the ones to hold us back the most. But the important lesson we have to learn is that we aren’t meant to be anything except ourselves, to be truthful to and about ourselves.
You’re so right, and your mind is beautiful and your thoughts, whether happy or sad, are worth putting on paper or the screen because I care about what you think, I care about the world inside of your mind and I’m glad you’re at a point in your life where you can feel comfortable expressing yourself in truth with no barriers. Keep creating and keep believing in yourself as much as I believe in you.